moved

http://iamloved.wordpress.com

just... thoughts.

"Lord, I still want to go. Look at the life there. It seems so different. Life here is like bleaghh.. so boring. everyday things are just like that, not much challenges. Who says I can't serve you there? I'll still love You for who You are, and with who I am. But Lord, I do admit that all these doesn't matter. I just want You to speak to me. I'm sick and tired of myself being so fickle minded already. Today is the day I will hear from You, for I won't let go till You speak, and tomorrow I will do something about it."

"Do you realise that none of the points you listed above carry My name? Where's Me in your life? Is it just to serve? What's the point of being able to serve if something else is not right? Life here seems mundane, because you caused it to be. What your life here is like depends on your actions and decision."

"I want Your peace to be with me as I decide. And I've been doing everything according to my mood. I eat, dress, talk, potray facial expression etc according to my mood. And I can't control my mood. So what've been controlling my life so far? Is it You? Or something else? THings that seem like responsibility? or activities? Lord, I don't know. Please teach me how to lift my emotions and moods into Your hands, for I do not want it to define who I am."

These few weeks have been torturous, especially when people ask me "so have you decided?" I will try my best to give the politically correct answer, and say which side I'm prone to choosing, or something to cover up or escape from the answer - that I am fickle and have yet to decide after sooo long. But these few weeks, I really grew sick and tired of trying to avoid, cover up, escape or being oblivious to reality - by not choosing. Some people said, not making a choice is a choice in itself. THough well aware that it doesn't apply in this context, I stubbornly tell that to myself. Sheesh. But I know deep inside that there's no peace, and I'm slowly dying because many other feelings come into play.

I feel so angry, frustrated and irritated with myself I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I'm doing and once again, I became the 'don't know' girl. TO the point sometimes I wonder why must I know God's will? Why can't I just put spiritual life as the low priority since that's between me and God? It doesn't mean that I'll fall away. Some people say it'll be a test of your relationship with God. Yes, that's true. If I succeed, praise the Lord, I grow stronger. If I fail, then I don't know. Probably I'll struggle and dry up. Is it then worth the risk? High risk, high returns, that's true. I look at those who can go and pursue what they want to, and envy them. These people either don't know God or don't know Him that well, and think that God is just God, doesn't matter where you are. Then why am I so troubled because I love God so much I don't wanna settle for something less, while being troubled should not even come from the Lord? Is there then something wrong with me? Cos obviously there's nothing wrong with God.

This week's sermon for cell and service has left me in deep yearning and thoughts for more of the K.O.G. That I am not satisfied where I am, and I know that neither is He satisfied where I am. So I settled down today and prayed.

I realised our value in God. When I buy something, I'll see how much I'm willing to pay for that thing and if that is worth it. I am sure that is how a proper deal is made. So similarly, our value in God is equal to the value of Jesus in God. If God values us only one cent less than Jesus, the deal would be called off since it's no longer worth it. Can you imagine, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac, he was in such burden and pain before he finally agreed. In comparison, God also did the same thing, only with Jesus, the Son of God. How even more painful is that? THe thing is that Abraham did so only because God asked him to, and it grew out of the love for God. But God did so voluntarily, that He was willingly exchanged His Son for hmm.. us?! Comparing Abraham and God, can we then compare the target audience being God and us? How different is that?! I then see how valuable I am in the eyes of God..

FOr those of you who are still not convinced that Jesus died for us individually, that the value of Jesus is not equal to the collective corporate value of mankind, look at this. In Mark 5:1, it says that Jesus was so tired He was already sleeping, and after calming a storm, he reached Gadarenes. Once He reached there, He met an oppressed man and delivered him from Legion, the spirits. If the man was alive presently, he would be locked up in mental hospital, deemed useless to society. In v21, Jesus crossed over again back to where He came from. This means that after such a tiring day, His mission of going to Gadarenes was to deliver THAT man. If He was willing to do that for the 'crazy' man, what more to us?

Seriously, I am rather overwhelmed by God's goodness right now. That I know I have to choose the BEST option God has for me, and not only avoiding what is not right. SOmetimes, things might seem ok, nothing wrong with that, but is that what God has called you to do? Is that what is BEST for you from God? =)

Personality..

This is what you do when you're too bored at work..

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

What American City Are You?

Beats me how accurate this is.

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

Pure Heart

A PURE HEART, THAT'S WHAT I LONG FOR
A HEART THAT FOLLOWS HARD AFTER THEE

A HEART THAT HIDES YOUR WORD
SO THAT SIN WILL NOT COME IN
A HEART THAT'S UNDIVIDED
BUT ONE YOU RULE AND REIGN
A HEART THAT BEATS COMPASSION
THAT PLEASES YOU MY LORD
A SWEET AROMA OF WORSHIP
THAT RISES TO YOUR THRONE



God, many times I think, what do You want from me. Do You want my love, effort, time or life? But soon I realised that all that come in a package. When I have a pure heart, a heart that is after You, it will all be natural. It is the same as the 10 commandments. When it gets to the point it doesn't need to be enforced in me, to keep to them, but it's simply natural, and imprinted in my heart. Similarly, as long as I have a heart pure to follow after You, all that becomes natural. It doesn't need to be with painstaking effort, the point when fellowship and communion with You is a desire and no longer a discipline. God, that is what I really want.

I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I have passed the point of repentance, and I can't get close to You anymore. Lord, I don't want to be so hardened that I don't sense You anymore. I want more, there must be something more than just this.

Holy discontent. God has put in every single one of us this element of being unsatisfied with the world around us. Just like Mother Teresa who was frustrated and saddened when she sees young orphans on the streets starving, she started to take them in and care for them. Most of the time, it is tightly connected to the calling of God in our lives. I do have a 'holy discontent' too. I am not contented with the way society has shaped people's thinking. Call it depression or whatsoever, but I think anorexia, bitter and angst are simply a few ways youth nowadays express their emotions being cooped inside themselves.

I just did the most careless thing in life. I have overlooked the Freshman Guide from NUS and missed out on a lot of things. Firstly, the AP credit application. It's closed this Friday. Secondly, I didn't submit the Matriculation Card Form, when the due date was 4 Jun 2007. They stated, 'Students who did not return Form A by the deadline will be regarded as turning down the offer'. Thirdly, I don't know if the MOE Tuition Grant application has closed, or not yet open, but I can't apply. Sheeesh. While everything in Emory is done properly, my NUS application is like crap. Can you imagine, if they are strict about this, I will need to take modules which I can actually be exempted from, like Economics; I won't be able to enter any university in Singapore, or I have to pay the full amount of 25K, while I can actually save 19K and pay only 6K. Goodness, Joce, what's on your mind??

Seriously, I WANT to go US. But somehow I feel that I might be better off in Singapore. Especially my spiritual life. If with such strong spiritual support over here my spiritual life is already relatively unstable, I so can't imagine what it'll become over there. But somehow, the thought of a life there really perks me up. I'm excited, and can't wait to lead a different life. My flesh wants to go, but I think I'll be better here. Especially when I'm in the presence of God, the thought is always, I don't care about anything else, I just want this. But when I'm out of it, my flesh still wants to go. I need one of the 2 things - 1. someone to assure me I can find strong spiritual support in Atlanta. I just need a good support, not asking for a fantastic church. 2. someone to scold me and convince me that I should let go of the 'fun' I perceive to have over there. Maybe I will call Prince Charming one of these days. Ha!!

I'm like soooo fat now. Auntie said, yeah la girl. Your butt so big now. HAIZ. Everyday I step onto the weighing machine and I thought, I should bang the wall, go for liposuction, or continue eating and just don't care. Since already so fat, then just eat and get fatter lo. Ok, I'm actually thinking of skipping dinner everyday for maybe 1 month, going yoga, golf and swimming. Argh, I just can't stand it anymore. I need the discipline, motivation and determination. ARGHHH!!!! To quote steph, the butt is obviously bigger. the hips is widers. the thigh .. oh god enough said. the face get rounder. yucks. Your club is 'how to lose 3kg in 10 days' right, I don't mind 'losing 10kg in 3months'. ARGHHHH. Stevi, maybe I'll go Korea to find you and go some slimming stuff. Haha. I'm kidding about liposuction, or plastic surgery all that, but I seriously need to do something about my weight. I hate the way my thighs and butt is sticking to the pants, or the wobble I feel everytime I walk, or the extra flap when I lift up my hands. Argh.

Alaska

Here am I sitting in Goldman Sachs, reading, researching and trying so hard to digest all the dense materials. Being a newbie to finance and all that is related, I need extra time and effort to digest all the information. Hence, my new found friend - investopedia.com. Till I found out that I can actually sign in here and blog! Gosh! I shall blog on my experience here next time. I'm feeling really guilty actually...

Alaska has been really fun and beautiful. I mean it's really different from other holidays where it is just city, history, culture, scenery, shopping etc. One word for this trip - nature. Where we had the Tundra Wilderness Tour and can only observe tiny white dots on the mountains and tell ourselves that they are dall sheep, or being quiet when we saw grizzly bears soooo far away not for our own safety but for the bears' peace? Weather was simply fabulous and scenery was very fantastic. I realised one thing - I love the sky. The sun, and the clouds especially. And one song rings through all these while - the splendor of the King, clothe in majesty... how great is our God, sing with me how great is our God... Anyway that was the road trip. We went for a few more activities, like heli flying to the glacier, which is simply awesome. When the sun shines on the glacier, it melts and reflects the blue rays. So imagine sky blue water on white ice. How heavenly. Fishing - river fishing was fine, though I keep getting stuck, I caught 2 fishes anyhow. They were released back cos of the love of nature, as Alaskans put it. Bottom-water fishing was fun. Enjoying the scenery while chattering under the cold wind generated by the speedboat travelling in the vast open sea, we cast out the bait into the 300-feet sea. Reeling in alone without fish is hard and tiring. It was fun. We caught 6 fish in total, with Jac's halibut weighing about 12pounds and my pacific cod weighing 7pounds. No wonder our muscle ached for the next few days, considering we don't exercise at all for the past 20 years. Yeah, and many more cool stuff, like whale watching, Salmon Bake. There were a lot of cultural and historical stuff too, where 9000 years ago the different tribes staying in Alaska, how their houses are like, their way of life, which is closely related to survival since there were about 1 bear per square mile of land in average, and how they keep themselves warm at freezing temperatures. Very interesting indeed.

We didn't shop very much, since they were selling jewellery only at every alternate shops. Mom kept on saying, i want bigger, and better quality. I saw a 15-carat yellow diamond, princess cut. It was BIG. But didn't catch my attention anyways. Still not my time to be able to appreciate diamonds for their price I guess. I won't mind people giving me, but I won't fork out my own money for them - not yet. Heh. Other than jewellery shops, there were only gift shops. So what do you expect me to buy? I was dying to see a city then, which explains my happiness when I reached LA.

Cruising was fun. We ate a lot, since food is readily available and free 24 hours in the day. Since daylight is about 18 to 20 hours, we don't know how late it already is when we eat at 10pm. Wells, maybe ignorance is bliss. But you suffer the consequences anyway. With fats wobbling around, I just feel so disgusted by myself. I'm trying to regain my way of eating still. Since we do not need to change hotels or travel by land often, cruising is very relaxing.

I realised that I'm not so much into deep thinking as I used to be. That puzzled me actually. Is it good or bad, to not think so much, but just walk everyday as it is. I just feel a little bit lost actually, cos I need to have a vision and purpose, not only knowing them but keeping them close to my heart and the feel of being right in the middle of the plan of God. Not the fact that I am in it, but I want the feel. If I go on this way and not look at the big picture, I will end up going to Emory. Haha. Cos in the physical realm that attracts me, contradictory to the spiritual and emotional realm. Help.

Just thinking...

These 2 days we had our Emerge Conference. It has been GOOD.

Ok, pardon me. I thought that Emerge every year is just like that - hype, excitement, fun - surfaces. Yes, we do feel the presence of God, get revelation, etc. But year by year it seems that after a few months, the fire dies off. Maybe due to the lack of 'emphasis' of these slower stuff.

That brings me to the next point. In church, sometimes we really take worship, praying, paise, etc as the basic, that we leave it to Bible Study and cell groups. During service, we preach about 'BIG' topics instead - Sermon On The Mount, Cultural Mandate etc. Sometimes I don't understand how the new believers, those who are yet to join cell groups and start Bible Study are going to grow spiritually. I guess that's where discipleship comes in. That every single member has to be committed in discipleship, both in being discipled and discipling. That when Sunday comes, it is the bigger picture, where the sight of the whole church unite, everyone moving on from one place to another. It is TOUGH for the new believers, but we are supposed to stand as strong as possible for them, and not wait for them to approach us, but we go forth and get interested in their lives.



But anyway, this year Emerge was very different. You see Pst. Kong preach about Shamgar the first session - how there were only 2 verses about him and yet managed to single-handedly kill 600 Philistines. Simply because he had a powerful prayer life, was audacious, went for the anointing, was willing, and had persistence. How simple is that? How basic is that? Have we forgotten that despite the Higher Calling into the marketplace, we can never excel if we don't have these attitudes? Even when we seem to know these, it's no use knowing and YET not having it. No use having it and YET not living a life of it. Night was about brokenness - how Jacob met God, wrestled with Him, refused to let go, till God touched, and he broke on the inside, walked with a limp the rest of his life. Broken, God, can I be one for you?

Today as I was worshipping God, I was thinking. Touch. Encounter. Experience. Experience is just a one-time thing. Oh, I experienced something special - so what? Touch - much better and closer than experience. But then again, touch is one way right? When God touches you, held you. The love and mecy flows out from Him, it's stil up to you to capture it, to let it linger behind to change your life, or not. It is really encounter that I am looking for. Encounter is the moment when you meet someone, not physically, but when spirit joins with spirit. It is truly when two hearts come together open as one, a two-way dialogue.

This year Emerge, Lord I pray will not just be a GOOD experience, nor will it just be a touch from You. Lord, I want an encounter, I want a wrestle, and I want to be broken. When I look back, I realised that I've been living such a life in the flesh, everything seems to be fine, or IS fine, but where is my spiritual sensitivity? Where is my spiritual discernment and the wait upon the Lord. How long has it been since I last prayed? Had I been too comfortable with my life, there being no stressor AT ALL, that I forgot to look for Him for strength? Because it is EASY to walk when things are EASY - actually that doesnt mean you dont need God, joce. There is a spectrum in life, always. Take well-being for example. BAD ---- FINE ---- GOOD. All these while my life has been fine, or GOOD. But is there something better?? Now I finally understand what Pastor meant when he said, 'do something more meaningful with you life'. More than what Chris refers to as GOSTW, it is not just hanging out with frens, having fun, passing time. Time, energy, anointing is all you need to find a need and meet it, find a hurt and heal it. Joce, do you know you can be giving so much more Bible Study classes, talking to your members on the phone, discipling them - all for the glory of God?? Only if you are willing and hungry.

God, You have come to me again and again, telling me 'no eyes have seen, no ears have heard, what I will do through you and for you, ONLY IF you give Me all of you. You know very well yourself what's in your heart, all I ask of you, is you.' At that point, I cry, repent, etc. As time passes by, I get back to my old self. God, I am sick and tired of me being so comfortable that I am passive, have no sense of urgency for Your kingdom, can You please help? Sick, joce, sick. No one to talk to about this, since no one understands me in this area at all. No one understands the big picture I am looking at. Stop living in self deceit and self denial.

Now I understand why uncle john said that your psychological maturity will affect your spiritual life. Struggling all the while with instability or rather inconsistency, as Dora put it, has not been helping AT ALL. God, if You can change Simon, who's as unstable as lalang into Peter, a solid rock, definitely You are the only one who can help me too!!

Sometimes I wonder. If people want to do so many things in the Lord and for the Lord, and run wild in their own minds, which will happen. I mean God seldom speaks audibly, and His prompting is as soft or even softer than our 'voice' that people often mistaken them together. What if these people don't come back, don't pull back and don't soften down again. What if they slip away? Won't God be so sad? I mean in the first place these ppl dream BIG dreams because they want to do it for God, so desperate for more of God, and yet are not fulfilled, get disappointed, and backslide, doesn't it mean that they already have the potential in the first place? Not as if they've been a smooth-sailing Christian all these while who believed in Jesus because they are afraid to go to Hell.

God, I need revelation, I need fresh anointing, I need a clear mind. Enough being the 'I don't know' girl. It's really NOT FUN. It doesn't fulfil my spirit at all. God, a heart, so pure, one that's after You...

Can everything be simple?

I hate myself being this way. But then again, God loves me. Constantly having battles against my inner self, torture is the word to describe.

Life has been a living hell for the past 2 months.

There are indeed things to thank God for, of course - people around me, loving & caring for me, especially in Medan; the chance to learn things; God; material blessings (another thing to not fret for); family; and simply the gift of life. Actually, that is enough rite? =)

Yeah, I think so. But I can't deny a fact - I am INDECISIVE. And I hate that. Universtiy option has been one thing in my mind. Sometimes I question why do I have to choose, why do I want to know Your will, why are things so complicated, WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH. But then again, this is Your will for me and I thank You for the chance to even choose. God, please, don't take away this 'right' away from me. And don't take away that 'want' to know Your will away from me. I thank You for that.

Look at me. Even over here, I am already having a battle in my mind. Sigh.

Sometimes I will be so over-whelmed by the complexity of every single thing on earth, that I become confused. Top phrase on my 'Most Spoken' List would be I don't know. Walking around confused, I rather don't walk around, rather don't GOSTW. And before anything happens, I realised I've wasted 2 months of my time. Made me dislike myself even more. Die, I'm rumminating!! sheesh.

Why is life so complex? Why is God so complex? The Holy SPirit is here to give us understanding and to make things simple, but the Holy Spirit Himself is complex?! Arghh!!! I can just continue walking, hoping to get closer to God, who is the only one who can answer my questions, when I decide to ask Him.

University Options - killing me. Singapore or US - I don't know. If I stay, which uni in Singapore, I don't know too. At first, when I got the US offer, I was more excited than anything else, went around looking for opinions and information, which ocnfused me. Telling myself that in the end, it's about God, which it really is, I prayed and fasted over it, asked God again and again for signs. In the end, I am STILL confused. It comes to the point information and knowledge doesn't matter anymore, one word, You know I will follow. But then again, what if God has ALREADY shown me the sign, has ALREADY spoken to me and I missed it? Knowing that I will know in the end what God's will is, I think I'm already so confused that even if I start to know, I will start to question is God speaking to me, that I think again. <- this is how confused I am. How then would I know in the end? Don't ask me, I DON'T KNOW.

Just pray that I will know ok?

Staying is good - church, family, friends, comfort zone. It is bad - dependent, immature as I can be.

Going is good - experience, exposure, independent. It is bad - not as good a church, no family, friends, comfort zone.

Muahaha. I don't know. Sigh.. Help, God, help.

I realised recently that I am an escapist. very bad. Anything that I don't want to do or to be in, I'll find my way to escape. Most of the time I can. But this is bad, it has or is becoming a habit. And really, almost all the time I can find ways to escape. Is going to US a way of escaping? Maybe. I don't know. Is staying an escape too? Maybe too. I don't know either. See, so what do I know? Well, that God is faithful.

ARGH!!!!!! I hate myself being this way...