Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
just... thoughts.
"Lord, I still want to go. Look at the life there. It seems so different. Life here is like bleaghh.. so boring. everyday things are just like that, not much challenges. Who says I can't serve you there? I'll still love You for who You are, and with who I am. But Lord, I do admit that all these doesn't matter. I just want You to speak to me. I'm sick and tired of myself being so fickle minded already. Today is the day I will hear from You, for I won't let go till You speak, and tomorrow I will do something about it."
"Do you realise that none of the points you listed above carry My name? Where's Me in your life? Is it just to serve? What's the point of being able to serve if something else is not right? Life here seems mundane, because you caused it to be. What your life here is like depends on your actions and decision."
"I want Your peace to be with me as I decide. And I've been doing everything according to my mood. I eat, dress, talk, potray facial expression etc according to my mood. And I can't control my mood. So what've been controlling my life so far? Is it You? Or something else? THings that seem like responsibility? or activities? Lord, I don't know. Please teach me how to lift my emotions and moods into Your hands, for I do not want it to define who I am."
These few weeks have been torturous, especially when people ask me "so have you decided?" I will try my best to give the politically correct answer, and say which side I'm prone to choosing, or something to cover up or escape from the answer - that I am fickle and have yet to decide after sooo long. But these few weeks, I really grew sick and tired of trying to avoid, cover up, escape or being oblivious to reality - by not choosing. Some people said, not making a choice is a choice in itself. THough well aware that it doesn't apply in this context, I stubbornly tell that to myself. Sheesh. But I know deep inside that there's no peace, and I'm slowly dying because many other feelings come into play.
I feel so angry, frustrated and irritated with myself I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I'm doing and once again, I became the 'don't know' girl. TO the point sometimes I wonder why must I know God's will? Why can't I just put spiritual life as the low priority since that's between me and God? It doesn't mean that I'll fall away. Some people say it'll be a test of your relationship with God. Yes, that's true. If I succeed, praise the Lord, I grow stronger. If I fail, then I don't know. Probably I'll struggle and dry up. Is it then worth the risk? High risk, high returns, that's true. I look at those who can go and pursue what they want to, and envy them. These people either don't know God or don't know Him that well, and think that God is just God, doesn't matter where you are. Then why am I so troubled because I love God so much I don't wanna settle for something less, while being troubled should not even come from the Lord? Is there then something wrong with me? Cos obviously there's nothing wrong with God.
This week's sermon for cell and service has left me in deep yearning and thoughts for more of the K.O.G. That I am not satisfied where I am, and I know that neither is He satisfied where I am. So I settled down today and prayed.
I realised our value in God. When I buy something, I'll see how much I'm willing to pay for that thing and if that is worth it. I am sure that is how a proper deal is made. So similarly, our value in God is equal to the value of Jesus in God. If God values us only one cent less than Jesus, the deal would be called off since it's no longer worth it. Can you imagine, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac, he was in such burden and pain before he finally agreed. In comparison, God also did the same thing, only with Jesus, the Son of God. How even more painful is that? THe thing is that Abraham did so only because God asked him to, and it grew out of the love for God. But God did so voluntarily, that He was willingly exchanged His Son for hmm.. us?! Comparing Abraham and God, can we then compare the target audience being God and us? How different is that?! I then see how valuable I am in the eyes of God..
FOr those of you who are still not convinced that Jesus died for us individually, that the value of Jesus is not equal to the collective corporate value of mankind, look at this. In Mark 5:1, it says that Jesus was so tired He was already sleeping, and after calming a storm, he reached Gadarenes. Once He reached there, He met an oppressed man and delivered him from Legion, the spirits. If the man was alive presently, he would be locked up in mental hospital, deemed useless to society. In v21, Jesus crossed over again back to where He came from. This means that after such a tiring day, His mission of going to Gadarenes was to deliver THAT man. If He was willing to do that for the 'crazy' man, what more to us?
Seriously, I am rather overwhelmed by God's goodness right now. That I know I have to choose the BEST option God has for me, and not only avoiding what is not right. SOmetimes, things might seem ok, nothing wrong with that, but is that what God has called you to do? Is that what is BEST for you from God? =)
"Do you realise that none of the points you listed above carry My name? Where's Me in your life? Is it just to serve? What's the point of being able to serve if something else is not right? Life here seems mundane, because you caused it to be. What your life here is like depends on your actions and decision."
"I want Your peace to be with me as I decide. And I've been doing everything according to my mood. I eat, dress, talk, potray facial expression etc according to my mood. And I can't control my mood. So what've been controlling my life so far? Is it You? Or something else? THings that seem like responsibility? or activities? Lord, I don't know. Please teach me how to lift my emotions and moods into Your hands, for I do not want it to define who I am."
These few weeks have been torturous, especially when people ask me "so have you decided?" I will try my best to give the politically correct answer, and say which side I'm prone to choosing, or something to cover up or escape from the answer - that I am fickle and have yet to decide after sooo long. But these few weeks, I really grew sick and tired of trying to avoid, cover up, escape or being oblivious to reality - by not choosing. Some people said, not making a choice is a choice in itself. THough well aware that it doesn't apply in this context, I stubbornly tell that to myself. Sheesh. But I know deep inside that there's no peace, and I'm slowly dying because many other feelings come into play.
I feel so angry, frustrated and irritated with myself I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I'm doing and once again, I became the 'don't know' girl. TO the point sometimes I wonder why must I know God's will? Why can't I just put spiritual life as the low priority since that's between me and God? It doesn't mean that I'll fall away. Some people say it'll be a test of your relationship with God. Yes, that's true. If I succeed, praise the Lord, I grow stronger. If I fail, then I don't know. Probably I'll struggle and dry up. Is it then worth the risk? High risk, high returns, that's true. I look at those who can go and pursue what they want to, and envy them. These people either don't know God or don't know Him that well, and think that God is just God, doesn't matter where you are. Then why am I so troubled because I love God so much I don't wanna settle for something less, while being troubled should not even come from the Lord? Is there then something wrong with me? Cos obviously there's nothing wrong with God.
This week's sermon for cell and service has left me in deep yearning and thoughts for more of the K.O.G. That I am not satisfied where I am, and I know that neither is He satisfied where I am. So I settled down today and prayed.
I realised our value in God. When I buy something, I'll see how much I'm willing to pay for that thing and if that is worth it. I am sure that is how a proper deal is made. So similarly, our value in God is equal to the value of Jesus in God. If God values us only one cent less than Jesus, the deal would be called off since it's no longer worth it. Can you imagine, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac, he was in such burden and pain before he finally agreed. In comparison, God also did the same thing, only with Jesus, the Son of God. How even more painful is that? THe thing is that Abraham did so only because God asked him to, and it grew out of the love for God. But God did so voluntarily, that He was willingly exchanged His Son for hmm.. us?! Comparing Abraham and God, can we then compare the target audience being God and us? How different is that?! I then see how valuable I am in the eyes of God..
FOr those of you who are still not convinced that Jesus died for us individually, that the value of Jesus is not equal to the collective corporate value of mankind, look at this. In Mark 5:1, it says that Jesus was so tired He was already sleeping, and after calming a storm, he reached Gadarenes. Once He reached there, He met an oppressed man and delivered him from Legion, the spirits. If the man was alive presently, he would be locked up in mental hospital, deemed useless to society. In v21, Jesus crossed over again back to where He came from. This means that after such a tiring day, His mission of going to Gadarenes was to deliver THAT man. If He was willing to do that for the 'crazy' man, what more to us?
Seriously, I am rather overwhelmed by God's goodness right now. That I know I have to choose the BEST option God has for me, and not only avoiding what is not right. SOmetimes, things might seem ok, nothing wrong with that, but is that what God has called you to do? Is that what is BEST for you from God? =)
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Personality..
This is what you do when you're too bored at work..
| Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP) |
 Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. |
Monday, July 02, 2007
What American City Are You?
Beats me how accurate this is.
| You Are Austin |
 A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick |
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Pure Heart
A PURE HEART, THAT'S WHAT I LONG FOR
A HEART THAT FOLLOWS HARD AFTER THEE
A HEART THAT HIDES YOUR WORD
SO THAT SIN WILL NOT COME IN
A HEART THAT'S UNDIVIDED
BUT ONE YOU RULE AND REIGN
A HEART THAT BEATS COMPASSION
THAT PLEASES YOU MY LORD
A SWEET AROMA OF WORSHIP
THAT RISES TO YOUR THRONE
God, many times I think, what do You want from me. Do You want my love, effort, time or life? But soon I realised that all that come in a package. When I have a pure heart, a heart that is after You, it will all be natural. It is the same as the 10 commandments. When it gets to the point it doesn't need to be enforced in me, to keep to them, but it's simply natural, and imprinted in my heart. Similarly, as long as I have a heart pure to follow after You, all that becomes natural. It doesn't need to be with painstaking effort, the point when fellowship and communion with You is a desire and no longer a discipline. God, that is what I really want.
I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I have passed the point of repentance, and I can't get close to You anymore. Lord, I don't want to be so hardened that I don't sense You anymore. I want more, there must be something more than just this.
Holy discontent. God has put in every single one of us this element of being unsatisfied with the world around us. Just like Mother Teresa who was frustrated and saddened when she sees young orphans on the streets starving, she started to take them in and care for them. Most of the time, it is tightly connected to the calling of God in our lives. I do have a 'holy discontent' too. I am not contented with the way society has shaped people's thinking. Call it depression or whatsoever, but I think anorexia, bitter and angst are simply a few ways youth nowadays express their emotions being cooped inside themselves.
I just did the most careless thing in life. I have overlooked the Freshman Guide from NUS and missed out on a lot of things. Firstly, the AP credit application. It's closed this Friday. Secondly, I didn't submit the Matriculation Card Form, when the due date was 4 Jun 2007. They stated, 'Students who did not return Form A by the deadline will be regarded as turning down the offer'. Thirdly, I don't know if the MOE Tuition Grant application has closed, or not yet open, but I can't apply. Sheeesh. While everything in Emory is done properly, my NUS application is like crap. Can you imagine, if they are strict about this, I will need to take modules which I can actually be exempted from, like Economics; I won't be able to enter any university in Singapore, or I have to pay the full amount of 25K, while I can actually save 19K and pay only 6K. Goodness, Joce, what's on your mind??
Seriously, I WANT to go US. But somehow I feel that I might be better off in Singapore. Especially my spiritual life. If with such strong spiritual support over here my spiritual life is already relatively unstable, I so can't imagine what it'll become over there. But somehow, the thought of a life there really perks me up. I'm excited, and can't wait to lead a different life. My flesh wants to go, but I think I'll be better here. Especially when I'm in the presence of God, the thought is always, I don't care about anything else, I just want this. But when I'm out of it, my flesh still wants to go. I need one of the 2 things - 1. someone to assure me I can find strong spiritual support in Atlanta. I just need a good support, not asking for a fantastic church. 2. someone to scold me and convince me that I should let go of the 'fun' I perceive to have over there. Maybe I will call Prince Charming one of these days. Ha!!
I'm like soooo fat now. Auntie said, yeah la girl. Your butt so big now. HAIZ. Everyday I step onto the weighing machine and I thought, I should bang the wall, go for liposuction, or continue eating and just don't care. Since already so fat, then just eat and get fatter lo. Ok, I'm actually thinking of skipping dinner everyday for maybe 1 month, going yoga, golf and swimming. Argh, I just can't stand it anymore. I need the discipline, motivation and determination. ARGHHH!!!! To quote steph, the butt is obviously bigger. the hips is widers. the thigh .. oh god enough said. the face get rounder. yucks. Your club is 'how to lose 3kg in 10 days' right, I don't mind 'losing 10kg in 3months'. ARGHHHH. Stevi, maybe I'll go Korea to find you and go some slimming stuff. Haha. I'm kidding about liposuction, or plastic surgery all that, but I seriously need to do something about my weight. I hate the way my thighs and butt is sticking to the pants, or the wobble I feel everytime I walk, or the extra flap when I lift up my hands. Argh.
A HEART THAT FOLLOWS HARD AFTER THEE
A HEART THAT HIDES YOUR WORD
SO THAT SIN WILL NOT COME IN
A HEART THAT'S UNDIVIDED
BUT ONE YOU RULE AND REIGN
A HEART THAT BEATS COMPASSION
THAT PLEASES YOU MY LORD
A SWEET AROMA OF WORSHIP
THAT RISES TO YOUR THRONE
God, many times I think, what do You want from me. Do You want my love, effort, time or life? But soon I realised that all that come in a package. When I have a pure heart, a heart that is after You, it will all be natural. It is the same as the 10 commandments. When it gets to the point it doesn't need to be enforced in me, to keep to them, but it's simply natural, and imprinted in my heart. Similarly, as long as I have a heart pure to follow after You, all that becomes natural. It doesn't need to be with painstaking effort, the point when fellowship and communion with You is a desire and no longer a discipline. God, that is what I really want.
I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I have passed the point of repentance, and I can't get close to You anymore. Lord, I don't want to be so hardened that I don't sense You anymore. I want more, there must be something more than just this.
Holy discontent. God has put in every single one of us this element of being unsatisfied with the world around us. Just like Mother Teresa who was frustrated and saddened when she sees young orphans on the streets starving, she started to take them in and care for them. Most of the time, it is tightly connected to the calling of God in our lives. I do have a 'holy discontent' too. I am not contented with the way society has shaped people's thinking. Call it depression or whatsoever, but I think anorexia, bitter and angst are simply a few ways youth nowadays express their emotions being cooped inside themselves.
I just did the most careless thing in life. I have overlooked the Freshman Guide from NUS and missed out on a lot of things. Firstly, the AP credit application. It's closed this Friday. Secondly, I didn't submit the Matriculation Card Form, when the due date was 4 Jun 2007. They stated, 'Students who did not return Form A by the deadline will be regarded as turning down the offer'. Thirdly, I don't know if the MOE Tuition Grant application has closed, or not yet open, but I can't apply. Sheeesh. While everything in Emory is done properly, my NUS application is like crap. Can you imagine, if they are strict about this, I will need to take modules which I can actually be exempted from, like Economics; I won't be able to enter any university in Singapore, or I have to pay the full amount of 25K, while I can actually save 19K and pay only 6K. Goodness, Joce, what's on your mind??
Seriously, I WANT to go US. But somehow I feel that I might be better off in Singapore. Especially my spiritual life. If with such strong spiritual support over here my spiritual life is already relatively unstable, I so can't imagine what it'll become over there. But somehow, the thought of a life there really perks me up. I'm excited, and can't wait to lead a different life. My flesh wants to go, but I think I'll be better here. Especially when I'm in the presence of God, the thought is always, I don't care about anything else, I just want this. But when I'm out of it, my flesh still wants to go. I need one of the 2 things - 1. someone to assure me I can find strong spiritual support in Atlanta. I just need a good support, not asking for a fantastic church. 2. someone to scold me and convince me that I should let go of the 'fun' I perceive to have over there. Maybe I will call Prince Charming one of these days. Ha!!
I'm like soooo fat now. Auntie said, yeah la girl. Your butt so big now. HAIZ. Everyday I step onto the weighing machine and I thought, I should bang the wall, go for liposuction, or continue eating and just don't care. Since already so fat, then just eat and get fatter lo. Ok, I'm actually thinking of skipping dinner everyday for maybe 1 month, going yoga, golf and swimming. Argh, I just can't stand it anymore. I need the discipline, motivation and determination. ARGHHH!!!! To quote steph, the butt is obviously bigger. the hips is widers. the thigh .. oh god enough said. the face get rounder. yucks. Your club is 'how to lose 3kg in 10 days' right, I don't mind 'losing 10kg in 3months'. ARGHHHH. Stevi, maybe I'll go Korea to find you and go some slimming stuff. Haha. I'm kidding about liposuction, or plastic surgery all that, but I seriously need to do something about my weight. I hate the way my thighs and butt is sticking to the pants, or the wobble I feel everytime I walk, or the extra flap when I lift up my hands. Argh.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Alaska
Here am I sitting in Goldman Sachs, reading, researching and trying so hard to digest all the dense materials. Being a newbie to finance and all that is related, I need extra time and effort to digest all the information. Hence, my new found friend - investopedia.com. Till I found out that I can actually sign in here and blog! Gosh! I shall blog on my experience here next time. I'm feeling really guilty actually...
Alaska has been really fun and beautiful. I mean it's really different from other holidays where it is just city, history, culture, scenery, shopping etc. One word for this trip - nature. Where we had the Tundra Wilderness Tour and can only observe tiny white dots on the mountains and tell ourselves that they are dall sheep, or being quiet when we saw grizzly bears soooo far away not for our own safety but for the bears' peace? Weather was simply fabulous and scenery was very fantastic. I realised one thing - I love the sky. The sun, and the clouds especially. And one song rings through all these while - the splendor of the King, clothe in majesty... how great is our God, sing with me how great is our God... Anyway that was the road trip. We went for a few more activities, like heli flying to the glacier, which is simply awesome. When the sun shines on the glacier, it melts and reflects the blue rays. So imagine sky blue water on white ice. How heavenly. Fishing - river fishing was fine, though I keep getting stuck, I caught 2 fishes anyhow. They were released back cos of the love of nature, as Alaskans put it. Bottom-water fishing was fun. Enjoying the scenery while chattering under the cold wind generated by the speedboat travelling in the vast open sea, we cast out the bait into the 300-feet sea. Reeling in alone without fish is hard and tiring. It was fun. We caught 6 fish in total, with Jac's halibut weighing about 12pounds and my pacific cod weighing 7pounds. No wonder our muscle ached for the next few days, considering we don't exercise at all for the past 20 years. Yeah, and many more cool stuff, like whale watching, Salmon Bake. There were a lot of cultural and historical stuff too, where 9000 years ago the different tribes staying in Alaska, how their houses are like, their way of life, which is closely related to survival since there were about 1 bear per square mile of land in average, and how they keep themselves warm at freezing temperatures. Very interesting indeed.
We didn't shop very much, since they were selling jewellery only at every alternate shops. Mom kept on saying, i want bigger, and better quality. I saw a 15-carat yellow diamond, princess cut. It was BIG. But didn't catch my attention anyways. Still not my time to be able to appreciate diamonds for their price I guess. I won't mind people giving me, but I won't fork out my own money for them - not yet. Heh. Other than jewellery shops, there were only gift shops. So what do you expect me to buy? I was dying to see a city then, which explains my happiness when I reached LA.
Cruising was fun. We ate a lot, since food is readily available and free 24 hours in the day. Since daylight is about 18 to 20 hours, we don't know how late it already is when we eat at 10pm. Wells, maybe ignorance is bliss. But you suffer the consequences anyway. With fats wobbling around, I just feel so disgusted by myself. I'm trying to regain my way of eating still. Since we do not need to change hotels or travel by land often, cruising is very relaxing.
I realised that I'm not so much into deep thinking as I used to be. That puzzled me actually. Is it good or bad, to not think so much, but just walk everyday as it is. I just feel a little bit lost actually, cos I need to have a vision and purpose, not only knowing them but keeping them close to my heart and the feel of being right in the middle of the plan of God. Not the fact that I am in it, but I want the feel. If I go on this way and not look at the big picture, I will end up going to Emory. Haha. Cos in the physical realm that attracts me, contradictory to the spiritual and emotional realm. Help.
Alaska has been really fun and beautiful. I mean it's really different from other holidays where it is just city, history, culture, scenery, shopping etc. One word for this trip - nature. Where we had the Tundra Wilderness Tour and can only observe tiny white dots on the mountains and tell ourselves that they are dall sheep, or being quiet when we saw grizzly bears soooo far away not for our own safety but for the bears' peace? Weather was simply fabulous and scenery was very fantastic. I realised one thing - I love the sky. The sun, and the clouds especially. And one song rings through all these while - the splendor of the King, clothe in majesty... how great is our God, sing with me how great is our God... Anyway that was the road trip. We went for a few more activities, like heli flying to the glacier, which is simply awesome. When the sun shines on the glacier, it melts and reflects the blue rays. So imagine sky blue water on white ice. How heavenly. Fishing - river fishing was fine, though I keep getting stuck, I caught 2 fishes anyhow. They were released back cos of the love of nature, as Alaskans put it. Bottom-water fishing was fun. Enjoying the scenery while chattering under the cold wind generated by the speedboat travelling in the vast open sea, we cast out the bait into the 300-feet sea. Reeling in alone without fish is hard and tiring. It was fun. We caught 6 fish in total, with Jac's halibut weighing about 12pounds and my pacific cod weighing 7pounds. No wonder our muscle ached for the next few days, considering we don't exercise at all for the past 20 years. Yeah, and many more cool stuff, like whale watching, Salmon Bake. There were a lot of cultural and historical stuff too, where 9000 years ago the different tribes staying in Alaska, how their houses are like, their way of life, which is closely related to survival since there were about 1 bear per square mile of land in average, and how they keep themselves warm at freezing temperatures. Very interesting indeed.
We didn't shop very much, since they were selling jewellery only at every alternate shops. Mom kept on saying, i want bigger, and better quality. I saw a 15-carat yellow diamond, princess cut. It was BIG. But didn't catch my attention anyways. Still not my time to be able to appreciate diamonds for their price I guess. I won't mind people giving me, but I won't fork out my own money for them - not yet. Heh. Other than jewellery shops, there were only gift shops. So what do you expect me to buy? I was dying to see a city then, which explains my happiness when I reached LA.
Cruising was fun. We ate a lot, since food is readily available and free 24 hours in the day. Since daylight is about 18 to 20 hours, we don't know how late it already is when we eat at 10pm. Wells, maybe ignorance is bliss. But you suffer the consequences anyway. With fats wobbling around, I just feel so disgusted by myself. I'm trying to regain my way of eating still. Since we do not need to change hotels or travel by land often, cruising is very relaxing.
I realised that I'm not so much into deep thinking as I used to be. That puzzled me actually. Is it good or bad, to not think so much, but just walk everyday as it is. I just feel a little bit lost actually, cos I need to have a vision and purpose, not only knowing them but keeping them close to my heart and the feel of being right in the middle of the plan of God. Not the fact that I am in it, but I want the feel. If I go on this way and not look at the big picture, I will end up going to Emory. Haha. Cos in the physical realm that attracts me, contradictory to the spiritual and emotional realm. Help.
Just thinking...
These 2 days we had our Emerge Conference. It has been GOOD.
Ok, pardon me. I thought that Emerge every year is just like that - hype, excitement, fun - surfaces. Yes, we do feel the presence of God, get revelation, etc. But year by year it seems that after a few months, the fire dies off. Maybe due to the lack of 'emphasis' of these slower stuff.
That brings me to the next point. In church, sometimes we really take worship, praying, paise, etc as the basic, that we leave it to Bible Study and cell groups. During service, we preach about 'BIG' topics instead - Sermon On The Mount, Cultural Mandate etc. Sometimes I don't understand how the new believers, those who are yet to join cell groups and start Bible Study are going to grow spiritually. I guess that's where discipleship comes in. That every single member has to be committed in discipleship, both in being discipled and discipling. That when Sunday comes, it is the bigger picture, where the sight of the whole church unite, everyone moving on from one place to another. It is TOUGH for the new believers, but we are supposed to stand as strong as possible for them, and not wait for them to approach us, but we go forth and get interested in their lives.
But anyway, this year Emerge was very different. You see Pst. Kong preach about Shamgar the first session - how there were only 2 verses about him and yet managed to single-handedly kill 600 Philistines. Simply because he had a powerful prayer life, was audacious, went for the anointing, was willing, and had persistence. How simple is that? How basic is that? Have we forgotten that despite the Higher Calling into the marketplace, we can never excel if we don't have these attitudes? Even when we seem to know these, it's no use knowing and YET not having it. No use having it and YET not living a life of it. Night was about brokenness - how Jacob met God, wrestled with Him, refused to let go, till God touched, and he broke on the inside, walked with a limp the rest of his life. Broken, God, can I be one for you?
Today as I was worshipping God, I was thinking. Touch. Encounter. Experience. Experience is just a one-time thing. Oh, I experienced something special - so what? Touch - much better and closer than experience. But then again, touch is one way right? When God touches you, held you. The love and mecy flows out from Him, it's stil up to you to capture it, to let it linger behind to change your life, or not. It is really encounter that I am looking for. Encounter is the moment when you meet someone, not physically, but when spirit joins with spirit. It is truly when two hearts come together open as one, a two-way dialogue.
This year Emerge, Lord I pray will not just be a GOOD experience, nor will it just be a touch from You. Lord, I want an encounter, I want a wrestle, and I want to be broken. When I look back, I realised that I've been living such a life in the flesh, everything seems to be fine, or IS fine, but where is my spiritual sensitivity? Where is my spiritual discernment and the wait upon the Lord. How long has it been since I last prayed? Had I been too comfortable with my life, there being no stressor AT ALL, that I forgot to look for Him for strength? Because it is EASY to walk when things are EASY - actually that doesnt mean you dont need God, joce. There is a spectrum in life, always. Take well-being for example. BAD ---- FINE ---- GOOD. All these while my life has been fine, or GOOD. But is there something better?? Now I finally understand what Pastor meant when he said, 'do something more meaningful with you life'. More than what Chris refers to as GOSTW, it is not just hanging out with frens, having fun, passing time. Time, energy, anointing is all you need to find a need and meet it, find a hurt and heal it. Joce, do you know you can be giving so much more Bible Study classes, talking to your members on the phone, discipling them - all for the glory of God?? Only if you are willing and hungry.
God, You have come to me again and again, telling me 'no eyes have seen, no ears have heard, what I will do through you and for you, ONLY IF you give Me all of you. You know very well yourself what's in your heart, all I ask of you, is you.' At that point, I cry, repent, etc. As time passes by, I get back to my old self. God, I am sick and tired of me being so comfortable that I am passive, have no sense of urgency for Your kingdom, can You please help? Sick, joce, sick. No one to talk to about this, since no one understands me in this area at all. No one understands the big picture I am looking at. Stop living in self deceit and self denial.
Now I understand why uncle john said that your psychological maturity will affect your spiritual life. Struggling all the while with instability or rather inconsistency, as Dora put it, has not been helping AT ALL. God, if You can change Simon, who's as unstable as lalang into Peter, a solid rock, definitely You are the only one who can help me too!!
Sometimes I wonder. If people want to do so many things in the Lord and for the Lord, and run wild in their own minds, which will happen. I mean God seldom speaks audibly, and His prompting is as soft or even softer than our 'voice' that people often mistaken them together. What if these people don't come back, don't pull back and don't soften down again. What if they slip away? Won't God be so sad? I mean in the first place these ppl dream BIG dreams because they want to do it for God, so desperate for more of God, and yet are not fulfilled, get disappointed, and backslide, doesn't it mean that they already have the potential in the first place? Not as if they've been a smooth-sailing Christian all these while who believed in Jesus because they are afraid to go to Hell.
God, I need revelation, I need fresh anointing, I need a clear mind. Enough being the 'I don't know' girl. It's really NOT FUN. It doesn't fulfil my spirit at all. God, a heart, so pure, one that's after You...
Ok, pardon me. I thought that Emerge every year is just like that - hype, excitement, fun - surfaces. Yes, we do feel the presence of God, get revelation, etc. But year by year it seems that after a few months, the fire dies off. Maybe due to the lack of 'emphasis' of these slower stuff.
That brings me to the next point. In church, sometimes we really take worship, praying, paise, etc as the basic, that we leave it to Bible Study and cell groups. During service, we preach about 'BIG' topics instead - Sermon On The Mount, Cultural Mandate etc. Sometimes I don't understand how the new believers, those who are yet to join cell groups and start Bible Study are going to grow spiritually. I guess that's where discipleship comes in. That every single member has to be committed in discipleship, both in being discipled and discipling. That when Sunday comes, it is the bigger picture, where the sight of the whole church unite, everyone moving on from one place to another. It is TOUGH for the new believers, but we are supposed to stand as strong as possible for them, and not wait for them to approach us, but we go forth and get interested in their lives.
But anyway, this year Emerge was very different. You see Pst. Kong preach about Shamgar the first session - how there were only 2 verses about him and yet managed to single-handedly kill 600 Philistines. Simply because he had a powerful prayer life, was audacious, went for the anointing, was willing, and had persistence. How simple is that? How basic is that? Have we forgotten that despite the Higher Calling into the marketplace, we can never excel if we don't have these attitudes? Even when we seem to know these, it's no use knowing and YET not having it. No use having it and YET not living a life of it. Night was about brokenness - how Jacob met God, wrestled with Him, refused to let go, till God touched, and he broke on the inside, walked with a limp the rest of his life. Broken, God, can I be one for you?
Today as I was worshipping God, I was thinking. Touch. Encounter. Experience. Experience is just a one-time thing. Oh, I experienced something special - so what? Touch - much better and closer than experience. But then again, touch is one way right? When God touches you, held you. The love and mecy flows out from Him, it's stil up to you to capture it, to let it linger behind to change your life, or not. It is really encounter that I am looking for. Encounter is the moment when you meet someone, not physically, but when spirit joins with spirit. It is truly when two hearts come together open as one, a two-way dialogue.
This year Emerge, Lord I pray will not just be a GOOD experience, nor will it just be a touch from You. Lord, I want an encounter, I want a wrestle, and I want to be broken. When I look back, I realised that I've been living such a life in the flesh, everything seems to be fine, or IS fine, but where is my spiritual sensitivity? Where is my spiritual discernment and the wait upon the Lord. How long has it been since I last prayed? Had I been too comfortable with my life, there being no stressor AT ALL, that I forgot to look for Him for strength? Because it is EASY to walk when things are EASY - actually that doesnt mean you dont need God, joce. There is a spectrum in life, always. Take well-being for example. BAD ---- FINE ---- GOOD. All these while my life has been fine, or GOOD. But is there something better?? Now I finally understand what Pastor meant when he said, 'do something more meaningful with you life'. More than what Chris refers to as GOSTW, it is not just hanging out with frens, having fun, passing time. Time, energy, anointing is all you need to find a need and meet it, find a hurt and heal it. Joce, do you know you can be giving so much more Bible Study classes, talking to your members on the phone, discipling them - all for the glory of God?? Only if you are willing and hungry.
God, You have come to me again and again, telling me 'no eyes have seen, no ears have heard, what I will do through you and for you, ONLY IF you give Me all of you. You know very well yourself what's in your heart, all I ask of you, is you.' At that point, I cry, repent, etc. As time passes by, I get back to my old self. God, I am sick and tired of me being so comfortable that I am passive, have no sense of urgency for Your kingdom, can You please help? Sick, joce, sick. No one to talk to about this, since no one understands me in this area at all. No one understands the big picture I am looking at. Stop living in self deceit and self denial.
Now I understand why uncle john said that your psychological maturity will affect your spiritual life. Struggling all the while with instability or rather inconsistency, as Dora put it, has not been helping AT ALL. God, if You can change Simon, who's as unstable as lalang into Peter, a solid rock, definitely You are the only one who can help me too!!
Sometimes I wonder. If people want to do so many things in the Lord and for the Lord, and run wild in their own minds, which will happen. I mean God seldom speaks audibly, and His prompting is as soft or even softer than our 'voice' that people often mistaken them together. What if these people don't come back, don't pull back and don't soften down again. What if they slip away? Won't God be so sad? I mean in the first place these ppl dream BIG dreams because they want to do it for God, so desperate for more of God, and yet are not fulfilled, get disappointed, and backslide, doesn't it mean that they already have the potential in the first place? Not as if they've been a smooth-sailing Christian all these while who believed in Jesus because they are afraid to go to Hell.
God, I need revelation, I need fresh anointing, I need a clear mind. Enough being the 'I don't know' girl. It's really NOT FUN. It doesn't fulfil my spirit at all. God, a heart, so pure, one that's after You...
Monday, May 21, 2007
Can everything be simple?
I hate myself being this way. But then again, God loves me. Constantly having battles against my inner self, torture is the word to describe.
Life has been a living hell for the past 2 months.
There are indeed things to thank God for, of course - people around me, loving & caring for me, especially in Medan; the chance to learn things; God; material blessings (another thing to not fret for); family; and simply the gift of life. Actually, that is enough rite? =)
Yeah, I think so. But I can't deny a fact - I am INDECISIVE. And I hate that. Universtiy option has been one thing in my mind. Sometimes I question why do I have to choose, why do I want to know Your will, why are things so complicated, WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH. But then again, this is Your will for me and I thank You for the chance to even choose. God, please, don't take away this 'right' away from me. And don't take away that 'want' to know Your will away from me. I thank You for that.
Look at me. Even over here, I am already having a battle in my mind. Sigh.
Sometimes I will be so over-whelmed by the complexity of every single thing on earth, that I become confused. Top phrase on my 'Most Spoken' List would be I don't know. Walking around confused, I rather don't walk around, rather don't GOSTW. And before anything happens, I realised I've wasted 2 months of my time. Made me dislike myself even more. Die, I'm rumminating!! sheesh.
Why is life so complex? Why is God so complex? The Holy SPirit is here to give us understanding and to make things simple, but the Holy Spirit Himself is complex?! Arghh!!! I can just continue walking, hoping to get closer to God, who is the only one who can answer my questions, when I decide to ask Him.
University Options - killing me. Singapore or US - I don't know. If I stay, which uni in Singapore, I don't know too. At first, when I got the US offer, I was more excited than anything else, went around looking for opinions and information, which ocnfused me. Telling myself that in the end, it's about God, which it really is, I prayed and fasted over it, asked God again and again for signs. In the end, I am STILL confused. It comes to the point information and knowledge doesn't matter anymore, one word, You know I will follow. But then again, what if God has ALREADY shown me the sign, has ALREADY spoken to me and I missed it? Knowing that I will know in the end what God's will is, I think I'm already so confused that even if I start to know, I will start to question is God speaking to me, that I think again. <- this is how confused I am. How then would I know in the end? Don't ask me, I DON'T KNOW.
Just pray that I will know ok?
Staying is good - church, family, friends, comfort zone. It is bad - dependent, immature as I can be.
Going is good - experience, exposure, independent. It is bad - not as good a church, no family, friends, comfort zone.
Muahaha. I don't know. Sigh.. Help, God, help.
I realised recently that I am an escapist. very bad. Anything that I don't want to do or to be in, I'll find my way to escape. Most of the time I can. But this is bad, it has or is becoming a habit. And really, almost all the time I can find ways to escape. Is going to US a way of escaping? Maybe. I don't know. Is staying an escape too? Maybe too. I don't know either. See, so what do I know? Well, that God is faithful.
ARGH!!!!!! I hate myself being this way...
Life has been a living hell for the past 2 months.
There are indeed things to thank God for, of course - people around me, loving & caring for me, especially in Medan; the chance to learn things; God; material blessings (another thing to not fret for); family; and simply the gift of life. Actually, that is enough rite? =)
Yeah, I think so. But I can't deny a fact - I am INDECISIVE. And I hate that. Universtiy option has been one thing in my mind. Sometimes I question why do I have to choose, why do I want to know Your will, why are things so complicated, WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH. But then again, this is Your will for me and I thank You for the chance to even choose. God, please, don't take away this 'right' away from me. And don't take away that 'want' to know Your will away from me. I thank You for that.
Look at me. Even over here, I am already having a battle in my mind. Sigh.
Sometimes I will be so over-whelmed by the complexity of every single thing on earth, that I become confused. Top phrase on my 'Most Spoken' List would be I don't know. Walking around confused, I rather don't walk around, rather don't GOSTW. And before anything happens, I realised I've wasted 2 months of my time. Made me dislike myself even more. Die, I'm rumminating!! sheesh.
Why is life so complex? Why is God so complex? The Holy SPirit is here to give us understanding and to make things simple, but the Holy Spirit Himself is complex?! Arghh!!! I can just continue walking, hoping to get closer to God, who is the only one who can answer my questions, when I decide to ask Him.
University Options - killing me. Singapore or US - I don't know. If I stay, which uni in Singapore, I don't know too. At first, when I got the US offer, I was more excited than anything else, went around looking for opinions and information, which ocnfused me. Telling myself that in the end, it's about God, which it really is, I prayed and fasted over it, asked God again and again for signs. In the end, I am STILL confused. It comes to the point information and knowledge doesn't matter anymore, one word, You know I will follow. But then again, what if God has ALREADY shown me the sign, has ALREADY spoken to me and I missed it? Knowing that I will know in the end what God's will is, I think I'm already so confused that even if I start to know, I will start to question is God speaking to me, that I think again. <- this is how confused I am. How then would I know in the end? Don't ask me, I DON'T KNOW.
Just pray that I will know ok?
Staying is good - church, family, friends, comfort zone. It is bad - dependent, immature as I can be.
Going is good - experience, exposure, independent. It is bad - not as good a church, no family, friends, comfort zone.
Muahaha. I don't know. Sigh.. Help, God, help.
I realised recently that I am an escapist. very bad. Anything that I don't want to do or to be in, I'll find my way to escape. Most of the time I can. But this is bad, it has or is becoming a habit. And really, almost all the time I can find ways to escape. Is going to US a way of escaping? Maybe. I don't know. Is staying an escape too? Maybe too. I don't know either. See, so what do I know? Well, that God is faithful.
ARGH!!!!!! I hate myself being this way...
Saturday, April 14, 2007
To Andy.
Ok, back from HK. Never spent sooo much in my whole life before, bought Canon 400D, Sony viao 370p, and many accessories, bags, and clothings. bleagh.. feel bad and guilty about it. Nevertheless, I had loads of fun.
Thanks, for going. Really really enjoyed my time with you. =) Like what you said, it was much better than expected. All the laughter, fun and jokes we had were memorable, as well as the special moments where things happened (like your SPA experience!) haha. Good good. But more than just the fun, we had much time to chat, open up and share, which is good. Despite all the 'silliness', I know I have someone to turn to. =) Thanks. Really grateful for you.
Yes, the supposedly 2 days trip turned out to be one week, as usual. when there's me, holidays are always extended. So 2 things you have to do: leave your return ticket open and leave your days after the holiday free! Haha, it happened in US, and this time again. Andy said it was my fault I didn't tell him that I want to extend or persuade him not to take honours, if not we would be going to an around the world tour together. Yes, everything is my fault, sorry sorry ok? *winks* In the end you still extended what, and it was worthed, so it's good rite? =)
SPA (both the fish and Shenzhen ^.^ one), where you got molested, PP, SHui Jiao, random questions and jokes, shopping (miss sixty & Levi's eh.) and having fun looking at things, taking photos, calculating how much we spent and how long we've walked together, convincing me to get your favourite brand - sony, and SLR, etc. Many more! Haha. Simple enjoyed my time with you. Gosh! and I love you 10 Dollars! that was hilarious. haha! =)
Haha. Ok la, still missing the trip, missing you. But then again, life goes on right. Although I am not totally back to reality (neither are you), I will try my best to think about Atlanta, so please don't assume that I am going. =) I know your honours is really tough, but please don't get discouraged and continue to push on ok? =) Two months is really short, and I will see you in June again anw. =) Meanwhile, really spend time working on your thesis, reading your journals, data, information etc. It's not easy but just hang on there! I will support you through prayers over here and simply being here. =) Please sleep well, have a clear mind, cos that's the least you can do to do well. Everything happens in a cycle remember? =) so please don't let yourself get caught in a vicious cycle where bad thinkings cause you fall. You want to prove to yourself and others, just like any other people, hence you need to stand strong in your thinking. And may the peace of God be with you so you can sleep well, it's tough having too fast a brain eh? Can't stop one. Haha! =)
All your worries, concerns as well as plans for your family, let's keep it strong ok? Maybe sometimes they don't seem to be as 'supportive' or what, but know that deep down, they will LOVE it if we do it for them. =) So don't be shaken by their reaction, nor be discouraged. =)
Ok, we have to keep our deal ok? To repay this family by working hard, treasuring every single moment that we have, really being obedient to them, showing them care and concern like no other people can, and keeping on the strong bond together. =) =)
Take care and God bless. Looking forward to seeing you again. =) Thanks for being there.
With love,
joce
Thanks, for going. Really really enjoyed my time with you. =) Like what you said, it was much better than expected. All the laughter, fun and jokes we had were memorable, as well as the special moments where things happened (like your SPA experience!) haha. Good good. But more than just the fun, we had much time to chat, open up and share, which is good. Despite all the 'silliness', I know I have someone to turn to. =) Thanks. Really grateful for you.
Yes, the supposedly 2 days trip turned out to be one week, as usual. when there's me, holidays are always extended. So 2 things you have to do: leave your return ticket open and leave your days after the holiday free! Haha, it happened in US, and this time again. Andy said it was my fault I didn't tell him that I want to extend or persuade him not to take honours, if not we would be going to an around the world tour together. Yes, everything is my fault, sorry sorry ok? *winks* In the end you still extended what, and it was worthed, so it's good rite? =)
SPA (both the fish and Shenzhen ^.^ one), where you got molested, PP, SHui Jiao, random questions and jokes, shopping (miss sixty & Levi's eh.) and having fun looking at things, taking photos, calculating how much we spent and how long we've walked together, convincing me to get your favourite brand - sony, and SLR, etc. Many more! Haha. Simple enjoyed my time with you. Gosh! and I love you 10 Dollars! that was hilarious. haha! =)
Haha. Ok la, still missing the trip, missing you. But then again, life goes on right. Although I am not totally back to reality (neither are you), I will try my best to think about Atlanta, so please don't assume that I am going. =) I know your honours is really tough, but please don't get discouraged and continue to push on ok? =) Two months is really short, and I will see you in June again anw. =) Meanwhile, really spend time working on your thesis, reading your journals, data, information etc. It's not easy but just hang on there! I will support you through prayers over here and simply being here. =) Please sleep well, have a clear mind, cos that's the least you can do to do well. Everything happens in a cycle remember? =) so please don't let yourself get caught in a vicious cycle where bad thinkings cause you fall. You want to prove to yourself and others, just like any other people, hence you need to stand strong in your thinking. And may the peace of God be with you so you can sleep well, it's tough having too fast a brain eh? Can't stop one. Haha! =)
All your worries, concerns as well as plans for your family, let's keep it strong ok? Maybe sometimes they don't seem to be as 'supportive' or what, but know that deep down, they will LOVE it if we do it for them. =) So don't be shaken by their reaction, nor be discouraged. =)
Ok, we have to keep our deal ok? To repay this family by working hard, treasuring every single moment that we have, really being obedient to them, showing them care and concern like no other people can, and keeping on the strong bond together. =) =)
Take care and God bless. Looking forward to seeing you again. =) Thanks for being there.
With love,
joce
Saturday, April 07, 2007
China - Day 1
I am seriously very very tired now. Yesterday was another emotional one for me. Last day of work, I thought I would be happy, but once I stepped into the office, I wasn't. I was quite sad. =( Had a nice 'farewell' lunch with Auntie Vincy, Anishia and Rebecca. Then Boni, Raymond and Amy brought me to Ben & Jerry's. =)
Ok, I'm more into today stuff. Long day.. Woke up at 3.30am cos I couldn't fall asleep and my flight was 7.15am. Tossed and turned, till I could no longer stand it when I got out of bed at 5am. Tired.
Plane ride was fun. =) Had a good good chat with Andy, Mum and Dad. Talked about many things, from his thesis, SUMO, problems, dilemmas, etc. =) Very glad that I got the chance to listen and share with people. Haha. My parents teared many times as they talked to me. =( But that's cos they love me and I know it.
Upon reaching China, everything was fine, weather was good, etc. Lunch was WEIRD. Nice place, loads of privacy, nature etc. Good food, except for the first dish where they served this weird looking jelly like thing. Supposedly very good and expensive, and since I can eat every food on earth, my dad gave me. It's like a piece of transparent jelly with some wormy- or herb- looking like thing. The more I looked at it, the more I got turned off. Then I decided not to even try, I tried to try, but just couldn't. eeeewww. gross. They treated us real nice, and when I mentioned I want to look at laptops, they brought me to the Electric City. Everything was fine, indeed good.
Dad and the rest of the uncles went to look at factory; while we were looking at electronics. Until we got a call from Dad, he got allergy reaction. And the medicine was with us. Knowing my dad, it must be real difficult on him before he would say anything, or even call urgently. We rushed down to the hotel which is at the Valley outside the city. The only thing I could do was PRAY. PRAY PRAY PRAY.
When we reached the hotel room, he was on the bed, gasping for air. He was all purple, had an oxygen tank beside him. Doctors checking on him, he was swollen. Gosh, I could only pray even more. Now I know why God made me go for this trip. Everything was chaotic, there was difficulty in explaining Clarityne and some other medicines. Gan Ma in Medan was uncontactable, in salon. everyone was having holiday! Then things start to settle down, when the medicine started working. =) But still went to hospital to do blood test and check overall. And thank God, you know what? Gan Ma talked to the doctor there and they gave him medicine. When we checked, it was exactly the same medicine he brought from Indo. Clarytine and one more. How stupid is that? Haha. Well, I think its really God's will for me to 'miss Easter' and be there.
After that we went for SPA. It's sooo cool! Cos they have pools with different aromas. From Chinese Herbs to Lemon to Coconut and Coffee, my favourite is still the rice wine pool (my mom said I'm jiu gui -alcoholic freak-) haha! I also liked the experience of fish spa where there's fish in the pool, thousands of them, and they start biting you, eating the dead callous on the skin. It was real disgusting to see thousands of fish eating you. www.riyuegu.com take a look at the hotel I'm staying in, with the spa. Real nice. =)
A long and tiring day, but I still thank God for everything. Probably tml there's a change of plan, I might be going HK and Shenzhen, do some shopping. Want anything, sms me. haha. =)
Will blog on my feelings when I'm more awake. But today, a scary thing happened. Probably I'll think about it some time soon. =))
Ok, I'm more into today stuff. Long day.. Woke up at 3.30am cos I couldn't fall asleep and my flight was 7.15am. Tossed and turned, till I could no longer stand it when I got out of bed at 5am. Tired.
Plane ride was fun. =) Had a good good chat with Andy, Mum and Dad. Talked about many things, from his thesis, SUMO, problems, dilemmas, etc. =) Very glad that I got the chance to listen and share with people. Haha. My parents teared many times as they talked to me. =( But that's cos they love me and I know it.
Upon reaching China, everything was fine, weather was good, etc. Lunch was WEIRD. Nice place, loads of privacy, nature etc. Good food, except for the first dish where they served this weird looking jelly like thing. Supposedly very good and expensive, and since I can eat every food on earth, my dad gave me. It's like a piece of transparent jelly with some wormy- or herb- looking like thing. The more I looked at it, the more I got turned off. Then I decided not to even try, I tried to try, but just couldn't. eeeewww. gross. They treated us real nice, and when I mentioned I want to look at laptops, they brought me to the Electric City. Everything was fine, indeed good.
Dad and the rest of the uncles went to look at factory; while we were looking at electronics. Until we got a call from Dad, he got allergy reaction. And the medicine was with us. Knowing my dad, it must be real difficult on him before he would say anything, or even call urgently. We rushed down to the hotel which is at the Valley outside the city. The only thing I could do was PRAY. PRAY PRAY PRAY.
When we reached the hotel room, he was on the bed, gasping for air. He was all purple, had an oxygen tank beside him. Doctors checking on him, he was swollen. Gosh, I could only pray even more. Now I know why God made me go for this trip. Everything was chaotic, there was difficulty in explaining Clarityne and some other medicines. Gan Ma in Medan was uncontactable, in salon. everyone was having holiday! Then things start to settle down, when the medicine started working. =) But still went to hospital to do blood test and check overall. And thank God, you know what? Gan Ma talked to the doctor there and they gave him medicine. When we checked, it was exactly the same medicine he brought from Indo. Clarytine and one more. How stupid is that? Haha. Well, I think its really God's will for me to 'miss Easter' and be there.
After that we went for SPA. It's sooo cool! Cos they have pools with different aromas. From Chinese Herbs to Lemon to Coconut and Coffee, my favourite is still the rice wine pool (my mom said I'm jiu gui -alcoholic freak-) haha! I also liked the experience of fish spa where there's fish in the pool, thousands of them, and they start biting you, eating the dead callous on the skin. It was real disgusting to see thousands of fish eating you. www.riyuegu.com take a look at the hotel I'm staying in, with the spa. Real nice. =)
A long and tiring day, but I still thank God for everything. Probably tml there's a change of plan, I might be going HK and Shenzhen, do some shopping. Want anything, sms me. haha. =)
Will blog on my feelings when I'm more awake. But today, a scary thing happened. Probably I'll think about it some time soon. =))
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Saturday - 31/3/07
"Don't know la, get in first then say. Never get don't even need to think or discuss", you might often hear me saying this previously. Now, you would hear me saying, "how?!" -
Saturday was eventful. Starting a Saturday at 6.30am with the excuse that I need to think about interview Q&A, I prayed. Interview was alright- it's more of a business discussion, about the issue of Starbucks opening in Forbidden City. I would say that I was relatively lucky with a topic that I sort of knew about, hence it became more like a GP class. The professor was wearing singlet, sunglasses and cap, and he was muscular. A Korean guy, the last profession I would think of would be professor. Wrote an essay on Materialism. I thank God, for everything. That it went off alright. Not that it's fantastic, but it was still a relief that it's over. One by one, His face shows, as long as we continue to keep Him close.
After that, I fed my soul with very interesting cases Uncle John and Dr.Ang have met so far. The purpose of us going was Jessica's consultation. I learnt the importance of being curious and more than that, the structure of the brain at a glance. How limbic system affects the way you feel, and then the way you think, and in turn how you feel again. So we 'ruminate' in that vicious cycle. We can stop it actually. =) Too many cases to be written here, but it was good. I felt so connected and satisfied in my soul once again. Had a nice lunch on top of that too. =)
Later that night, I checked the admission decision for Emory. Previously, Dad was showing me the recent BusinessWeek on S-1 Business Programme, and Emory was ranked 4th. Not that it matters greatly, but the word simply kept on popping out these few days. When I opened the newspaper on Sunday and looked at the SMU advert, the President of Law School used to teach in Emory. Emory again, I thought it was a school no one knows.
Dear Jocelin,
Congratulations on your acceptance to Emory College! The standardized tests, the paperwork, and the waiting are all at an end, and you have arrived at an important beginning. It gives me great pleasure to invite you to join the Emory University community as a member of our entering class. Your academic record is an impressive match for our challenging learning environment.
And it goes on....
Now is the time for me to think through it, go, or stay? I have learnt to shut out all voices around me, but retreat and isolate myself in the silence of God. For in the natural realm, it's more than obvious that I want to go. However, I really want to know God's will for me and I don't want to miss out on what He wants me to do. I dont want to be at the wrong place and the wrong time with the wrong people doing the wrong things. As long as one aspect is 'wrong', I won't want it anymore. Lord, can you guide me? Please?
2 worries: 1. Let go of everything here
2. Lead a new life there.
However, it seems as if the 2nd worry is already diminished with Mimi I-i and WeiSiong Su2 there. Is this part of God's plan too?
I don't know. And for now, I can only pray.......
After the news, I went for BBQ, had loads of fun. Is that a day or a day? :) And Joce is a happy girl, other than the fact she has to choose.
Saturday was eventful. Starting a Saturday at 6.30am with the excuse that I need to think about interview Q&A, I prayed. Interview was alright- it's more of a business discussion, about the issue of Starbucks opening in Forbidden City. I would say that I was relatively lucky with a topic that I sort of knew about, hence it became more like a GP class. The professor was wearing singlet, sunglasses and cap, and he was muscular. A Korean guy, the last profession I would think of would be professor. Wrote an essay on Materialism. I thank God, for everything. That it went off alright. Not that it's fantastic, but it was still a relief that it's over. One by one, His face shows, as long as we continue to keep Him close.
After that, I fed my soul with very interesting cases Uncle John and Dr.Ang have met so far. The purpose of us going was Jessica's consultation. I learnt the importance of being curious and more than that, the structure of the brain at a glance. How limbic system affects the way you feel, and then the way you think, and in turn how you feel again. So we 'ruminate' in that vicious cycle. We can stop it actually. =) Too many cases to be written here, but it was good. I felt so connected and satisfied in my soul once again. Had a nice lunch on top of that too. =)
Later that night, I checked the admission decision for Emory. Previously, Dad was showing me the recent BusinessWeek on S-1 Business Programme, and Emory was ranked 4th. Not that it matters greatly, but the word simply kept on popping out these few days. When I opened the newspaper on Sunday and looked at the SMU advert, the President of Law School used to teach in Emory. Emory again, I thought it was a school no one knows.
Dear Jocelin,
Congratulations on your acceptance to Emory College! The standardized tests, the paperwork, and the waiting are all at an end, and you have arrived at an important beginning. It gives me great pleasure to invite you to join the Emory University community as a member of our entering class. Your academic record is an impressive match for our challenging learning environment.
And it goes on....
Now is the time for me to think through it, go, or stay? I have learnt to shut out all voices around me, but retreat and isolate myself in the silence of God. For in the natural realm, it's more than obvious that I want to go. However, I really want to know God's will for me and I don't want to miss out on what He wants me to do. I dont want to be at the wrong place and the wrong time with the wrong people doing the wrong things. As long as one aspect is 'wrong', I won't want it anymore. Lord, can you guide me? Please?
2 worries: 1. Let go of everything here
2. Lead a new life there.
However, it seems as if the 2nd worry is already diminished with Mimi I-i and WeiSiong Su2 there. Is this part of God's plan too?
I don't know. And for now, I can only pray.......
After the news, I went for BBQ, had loads of fun. Is that a day or a day? :) And Joce is a happy girl, other than the fact she has to choose.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Pretty crazy babe.
This post is dedicated to my new found laming buddy, as requested. Though I have already wanted to write abt her. =)
w345 had b-wheeled & BBQ in an attempt to fellowship at a much higher level <- organised by Michelle. or rather, it's an attempt to see me fall and take photos of that, which she claimed to be the highlight of the day, due to my totally absent skill on wheels. Or maybe she was trying to change my cell group from being tai-tai to sporty. Oh well, in the end she was the one who was influenced and became a tai-tai. But it was more than a success afterall. =))
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. In AH, I had friends who had a crush on her, especially when she was on court. haha! After I got to know her, I understood what is having a Christ-like attitude, meekness and having a heart after God's own. She struck me as one who is very determined, and the joy of the Lord overflows from her to others, that makes her soo lovable and well-liked. Thank God for her. =)
BBQ was VERY fun! With her around, of course. She was the one who suan me, tried to push me to the pool (trying can only go that far! haha), and spread the chocolate war (I started, she spread). =D 'rip your shirt' like how she ripped her chicken wings; and realised that there is blood and whining to Lengkian and Hengyi that her chicken got blood (come on, if u hear her, you'll be thinking is that tai-tai or tai-tai?) Jokes after jokes, teasing after teasing; she was also one who makes me have nothing to say, she's just so proficient in suan-ning me that I can't rebut. haha! That's what Michelle DOES.
However, to me, it's not about what she DOES, but who she really IS. And I love her. And with her around, I'm always high. (But I don't want to have the Holy Laughter when she gives altar call. >.<) I have promised her not to tease her and disturb her everytime I see her, and I won't - because I love her. =)
w345 had b-wheeled & BBQ in an attempt to fellowship at a much higher level <- organised by Michelle. or rather, it's an attempt to see me fall and take photos of that, which she claimed to be the highlight of the day, due to my totally absent skill on wheels. Or maybe she was trying to change my cell group from being tai-tai to sporty. Oh well, in the end she was the one who was influenced and became a tai-tai. But it was more than a success afterall. =))
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. In AH, I had friends who had a crush on her, especially when she was on court. haha! After I got to know her, I understood what is having a Christ-like attitude, meekness and having a heart after God's own. She struck me as one who is very determined, and the joy of the Lord overflows from her to others, that makes her soo lovable and well-liked. Thank God for her. =)
BBQ was VERY fun! With her around, of course. She was the one who suan me, tried to push me to the pool (trying can only go that far! haha), and spread the chocolate war (I started, she spread). =D 'rip your shirt' like how she ripped her chicken wings; and realised that there is blood and whining to Lengkian and Hengyi that her chicken got blood (come on, if u hear her, you'll be thinking is that tai-tai or tai-tai?) Jokes after jokes, teasing after teasing; she was also one who makes me have nothing to say, she's just so proficient in suan-ning me that I can't rebut. haha! That's what Michelle DOES.
However, to me, it's not about what she DOES, but who she really IS. And I love her. And with her around, I'm always high. (But I don't want to have the Holy Laughter when she gives altar call. >.<) I have promised her not to tease her and disturb her everytime I see her, and I won't - because I love her. =)
Thursday, March 29, 2007
:(
Stepping on the new weighing machine that I bought, I got a shock. I don't know how, I gained 2kgs in a day, though I consumed only a cheese stick in the morning, a bread for lunch and a proper dinner. How?! And I have checked again and again, there's nothing wrong with the machine. Must be the shit inside me again, literally I mean shit.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Thank You
God, You spoke. Today. Again. And I thank You more than anything else for that. Like what I told Lou and Chris, one thing that I can't let go is really my relationship with You. Even if all else dies off, one thing that I won't let go, or rather, I won't let myself let go, is You.
Lord, I know I am stubborn. Somehow, I yearn and yearn and the desire doesn't get me anywhere. Probably I am way too comfy at where I am. I need to MOVE! move on, progress. come on, Joce. Argh. I thank You for speaking, but thank You even more for the promise. Promise that You will make me like Simon Peter, from one who's as unstable as lalang to a rock. And I choose to believe in it. Cos it doesn't feel good being a lalang. bleagh..
FIRST LOVE; PASSION; FIRE; HUNGER; THIRST. GOD!!!
Reading Jingxuan's blog on nostalgia. People leaving. Yesh, what she said was true. Too many people left; too many restructuring; too many changes; tooo many..... That brought me to thinking, people move on. From one level to another, Jingxuan from UM ministry which she held so dear to CG ministry; Hil in US who is studying sooo hard; Pris in China who starts to miss a strong local church; and many many more. I guess this is simply part of life. For me, I have to move on too, can't be so childish and immature.
I am still, longing for myself to shine so brightly for You. And I chose to stand on the promise You made, on the vision You gave. The assurances You give again and again, the faith and peace, and most of all, the burden You placed in me hurts. Oh, how I long for it to come to pass, but like what You said, I need to make room, and let go. Let go, not of other things, but letting go of myself. I cry. Cry at the thought that You have so much in store for me, and You're there, looking, waiting for me to come. But somehow, I am still like a rubber band, stretching towards and away.
It has been with me for sooo long. And now I am starting to detest it. Sometimes I detest myself - but then again, I know You love me for who I am. As much as I tell people to love himself, I am learning too. Still praying that the spirit of self condemnation can get out. Rawr. Can't stand it..
Oh well, come to think of it, God, thank You for Your love. I am still praying, still trying, to throw everything away and follow You, even giving myself unto You. Time, effort, will, thoughts, words, EVERYTHING. simply for You. And thank You for always being there.
let the music in your heart sound.
Lord, I know I am stubborn. Somehow, I yearn and yearn and the desire doesn't get me anywhere. Probably I am way too comfy at where I am. I need to MOVE! move on, progress. come on, Joce. Argh. I thank You for speaking, but thank You even more for the promise. Promise that You will make me like Simon Peter, from one who's as unstable as lalang to a rock. And I choose to believe in it. Cos it doesn't feel good being a lalang. bleagh..
FIRST LOVE; PASSION; FIRE; HUNGER; THIRST. GOD!!!
Reading Jingxuan's blog on nostalgia. People leaving. Yesh, what she said was true. Too many people left; too many restructuring; too many changes; tooo many..... That brought me to thinking, people move on. From one level to another, Jingxuan from UM ministry which she held so dear to CG ministry; Hil in US who is studying sooo hard; Pris in China who starts to miss a strong local church; and many many more. I guess this is simply part of life. For me, I have to move on too, can't be so childish and immature.
I am still, longing for myself to shine so brightly for You. And I chose to stand on the promise You made, on the vision You gave. The assurances You give again and again, the faith and peace, and most of all, the burden You placed in me hurts. Oh, how I long for it to come to pass, but like what You said, I need to make room, and let go. Let go, not of other things, but letting go of myself. I cry. Cry at the thought that You have so much in store for me, and You're there, looking, waiting for me to come. But somehow, I am still like a rubber band, stretching towards and away.
It has been with me for sooo long. And now I am starting to detest it. Sometimes I detest myself - but then again, I know You love me for who I am. As much as I tell people to love himself, I am learning too. Still praying that the spirit of self condemnation can get out. Rawr. Can't stand it..
Oh well, come to think of it, God, thank You for Your love. I am still praying, still trying, to throw everything away and follow You, even giving myself unto You. Time, effort, will, thoughts, words, EVERYTHING. simply for You. And thank You for always being there.
let the music in your heart sound.
Friday, March 23, 2007
To Jac.
Thanks! Haha.
Well, how picky can we get, especially when it comes to cars? Come on, thank God I'll know how to drive soon. See who can beat us! Muahaha!! *top secret* =)
<3
Well, how picky can we get, especially when it comes to cars? Come on, thank God I'll know how to drive soon. See who can beat us! Muahaha!! *top secret* =)
<3
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Just...
Things have never been better. Everything seems to be going on well, my work, relationship with friends, family, etc. Just ONE thing lacking. My discipline. Lacking of discipline to do what I am supposed to do; which is the most important thing in my life right now. And sometimes I do hate myself for that. It is so sickening to come to God every single time wanting to repent and when things go on, things go on. ok, I'm not making sense. Haha. Aiya, just me la. Everything lies with me and my laziness.
I feel the excitement in the spiritual realm. With Emerge 2007, Benny Hinn, Missions all coming together. Spiritual warfare too. Lord, I really need to pick myself up.
Joce, go. God has always been there, and will always be there. Everything lies with you now.
Education wise, overseas or stay? seriously, I prefer going overseas, for the exposure and experience. But then again, what do You want me to do? Cos I really don't want to miss out on anything that You have called me to do. So what if I get into the best university if it is not Your plan for me? Frankly speaking, I feel so good whenever I meet God here in church. Argh, direction Lord, direction.
And again, it lies with me. JOCE!!!
I feel the excitement in the spiritual realm. With Emerge 2007, Benny Hinn, Missions all coming together. Spiritual warfare too. Lord, I really need to pick myself up.
Joce, go. God has always been there, and will always be there. Everything lies with you now.
Education wise, overseas or stay? seriously, I prefer going overseas, for the exposure and experience. But then again, what do You want me to do? Cos I really don't want to miss out on anything that You have called me to do. So what if I get into the best university if it is not Your plan for me? Frankly speaking, I feel so good whenever I meet God here in church. Argh, direction Lord, direction.
And again, it lies with me. JOCE!!!
Friday, March 02, 2007
A Level Results!
The long awaited A Level results are finally out! 'Can you check your particulars? Cos you got 4 distinctions or more, so they might send you invitation for prize giving.' my heart jumped; my limbs stopped shivering; i stopped breathing. Praise God!!
Thinking back, it was really by God's grace. Last year studying period wasn't fantastic at all, moodswings up and down; emotions; self-esteem; motivation. I thank God for simply being there, for darlings to be around me, giving me a surprise one day before exam - Sophie, Steph, Yunxi, Sam, Nianying, Susan; for angels to study with me who always push me on when it gets sooo dry- Tiff, Dora, Sean, Ming, Huixuan, Jiayin; for family who are always there to accomodate; and simply, Father in Heaven for sending all these people and lifting up my troubles everytime I come to Him.
Thank God, and thank you all for all the concern, prayers, encouragement and love. Especially to all the uncles and aunties out there, real touched that you guys cared so much. LOVE.
Now that everything is over, I just pray that God continue to guide me in His ways, that I will know what I should do next. stay? or go? if go, go where? if stay, stay where? Lord, I can't do this without You because I don't wanna run from the path You've prepared for me. Lifting myself up to You......
God is good.
Thinking back, it was really by God's grace. Last year studying period wasn't fantastic at all, moodswings up and down; emotions; self-esteem; motivation. I thank God for simply being there, for darlings to be around me, giving me a surprise one day before exam - Sophie, Steph, Yunxi, Sam, Nianying, Susan; for angels to study with me who always push me on when it gets sooo dry- Tiff, Dora, Sean, Ming, Huixuan, Jiayin; for family who are always there to accomodate; and simply, Father in Heaven for sending all these people and lifting up my troubles everytime I come to Him.
Thank God, and thank you all for all the concern, prayers, encouragement and love. Especially to all the uncles and aunties out there, real touched that you guys cared so much. LOVE.
Now that everything is over, I just pray that God continue to guide me in His ways, that I will know what I should do next. stay? or go? if go, go where? if stay, stay where? Lord, I can't do this without You because I don't wanna run from the path You've prepared for me. Lifting myself up to You......
God is good.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Chinese New Year 07
Yeah, thank God for another wonderfully enjoyable Chinese New Year. My family, me and my dearest extended family. Again, it was good. Laughing, chatting, crapping, EATING. GOSH, yeah, we ate a lot. I gained 2kgs in 2 days. great. But then again, this year, I felt a tinge of sadness. Nowadays, every single time we gather, I feel something weird. A feeling I am so unfamiliar with I want to cry. I think it's the fear of losing whatever I have now. A great family, who is more than just there but one in which every single member truly cares for. sheesh, I start to wonder, how long more are we going to stay like that? before each of us get so caught up with our own lives. School, work, friends, girlfriend/boyfriend etc. Things will never be the same again. 3 years? 5? or 10?
Even now, you can already see the groups. The young adults - jac, andy, me, vince; the in-betweens - kiki, titi, anton, clifton, sharon; the growing up kids - osbert, chris, ford, josephine; those still caught in a world of their own - jessica, joanne and probably caleb. The guys turning my computer room into a LAN gaming centre, with 5 laptops all at one go, playing CS or Dota. Some of us watching movies away, singing karaoke, etc. How long will all these last? =( Everyone seem to be more decisive about what they want and not, and arranging them alone is already so difficult. But i guess this is the process of growing up isn't it? Topics change every year. I am afraid, of losing the common interest that we have simply because we are all growing up. Am I afraid of growing up? I guess YES.
Even for myself, how long more can I last being who I am, caring and loving people around me to an extent I myself am afraid of? i don't know. How long more before I start working, having my family, that I no longer have the same amount of time and energy for this wonderful family? I don't know, I really don't.
Now there are 27 of us. When we all settle down one by one, will this still be possible?
Time flies, life goes on. Yes, I know. And I am thankful for it. Memories last. Thank God for a wonderful Chinese New Year.
Thanks all, for the great time, company, support, advice, love, and simply, just being a part of my family.
Even now, you can already see the groups. The young adults - jac, andy, me, vince; the in-betweens - kiki, titi, anton, clifton, sharon; the growing up kids - osbert, chris, ford, josephine; those still caught in a world of their own - jessica, joanne and probably caleb. The guys turning my computer room into a LAN gaming centre, with 5 laptops all at one go, playing CS or Dota. Some of us watching movies away, singing karaoke, etc. How long will all these last? =( Everyone seem to be more decisive about what they want and not, and arranging them alone is already so difficult. But i guess this is the process of growing up isn't it? Topics change every year. I am afraid, of losing the common interest that we have simply because we are all growing up. Am I afraid of growing up? I guess YES.
Even for myself, how long more can I last being who I am, caring and loving people around me to an extent I myself am afraid of? i don't know. How long more before I start working, having my family, that I no longer have the same amount of time and energy for this wonderful family? I don't know, I really don't.
Now there are 27 of us. When we all settle down one by one, will this still be possible?
Time flies, life goes on. Yes, I know. And I am thankful for it. Memories last. Thank God for a wonderful Chinese New Year.
Thanks all, for the great time, company, support, advice, love, and simply, just being a part of my family.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Sophie's leaving!!
Yeah, SOPHIE'S leaving! Sad! I really love her a lot a lot and can't imagine the cell group without her. Yes, things will definitely change, but oh well what can I do but pray? She's really one person whom inspire me so much with just the aura she brings around her. That simple innocence yet mature feeling, bubbly and joyful yet wise; busy yet approachable; there's just something about her that draws people to her. and she's the only one who knows my EVERYTHING. sobz. But then again, she's really leaving and I will eventually let go; just that it's such a pity. Hao she bu de. The best I can do is to comtinue to keep her in prayer and that time will pass so quickly that she'll be back again rite. sophie sophie sophie.
This week has been great. Work is more than wonderful! It's so fun; with not only my mental being challenged but also my spirit and emotional being. And Auntie Vincy is more than inspiration. She asked, what makes people not pray, read the Word etc though they know that they should and God is good? Of course, first word that came was lazy, and taking it for granted. More than that, she said gratitude. It's like when you first knew God you thank Him so much, love Him so much. After that, you take Him for granted. For example, you pray for a baby and when you get it, you love the baby so much you forgot about God. Is it right? Yeah, prayer is power too. In everything you do, you can pray, even in the business sector. Auntie Vincy really taught me that other than the professional side of a job, there is also the spiritual realm and she really let me see how she can shine in the marketplace, simply because of her attitude and dependence on God. AMAZING.
Today we had singles' party; a lot of fun. Actually it's not really a singles' party, just sophie's farewell. =( it went on well, many people cried. But no one beats how cute pris is! haha. Pris, no worries, I love you. =) then Pauline was also very sad. Haiz. Video, especially the message from Zhenyi, seems so far, and Zhenyi, too, left. So it's super super sad. Soph, why must you leave? But i guess it's harder for you than for any of us too. COme to think of it, what will I feel if I go to US to study later in the year? Will I go? Can You guide my path?
Work has get me back to the routine of life. Not those in front of the computer, waiting and waiting, for no reason. Not those walking around the house aimlessly. However, it has also robbed me of my time for myself. Piano especially; and other activities. Still, for whatever amount I'm learning there, I would rather give everything I have and stay in office even if it means just surfing the net to read up some stuff. At least there's the discipline going. =)
I love people fervently, LOVE IS IN THE AIR! Woo~~
This week has been great. Work is more than wonderful! It's so fun; with not only my mental being challenged but also my spirit and emotional being. And Auntie Vincy is more than inspiration. She asked, what makes people not pray, read the Word etc though they know that they should and God is good? Of course, first word that came was lazy, and taking it for granted. More than that, she said gratitude. It's like when you first knew God you thank Him so much, love Him so much. After that, you take Him for granted. For example, you pray for a baby and when you get it, you love the baby so much you forgot about God. Is it right? Yeah, prayer is power too. In everything you do, you can pray, even in the business sector. Auntie Vincy really taught me that other than the professional side of a job, there is also the spiritual realm and she really let me see how she can shine in the marketplace, simply because of her attitude and dependence on God. AMAZING.
Today we had singles' party; a lot of fun. Actually it's not really a singles' party, just sophie's farewell. =( it went on well, many people cried. But no one beats how cute pris is! haha. Pris, no worries, I love you. =) then Pauline was also very sad. Haiz. Video, especially the message from Zhenyi, seems so far, and Zhenyi, too, left. So it's super super sad. Soph, why must you leave? But i guess it's harder for you than for any of us too. COme to think of it, what will I feel if I go to US to study later in the year? Will I go? Can You guide my path?
Work has get me back to the routine of life. Not those in front of the computer, waiting and waiting, for no reason. Not those walking around the house aimlessly. However, it has also robbed me of my time for myself. Piano especially; and other activities. Still, for whatever amount I'm learning there, I would rather give everything I have and stay in office even if it means just surfing the net to read up some stuff. At least there's the discipline going. =)
I love people fervently, LOVE IS IN THE AIR! Woo~~
Saturday, January 20, 2007
a few days.
things have been quite bad these 2 days. argh, no, just that i got very bad PMS and everyday i dont sleep properly, can't sleep. so it's bad, make PMS even more. rawr.
what's the point of gaining everything if you lose your own soul?
my face is peeling, and it's burning, thanks to Retin-A. Mom say i put too much. haha. remember last time i dont even apply the medicine after i go to the doctor, and now i'm putting too much. see how different I am? =)
2 days ago the share broker came and explained everything to me. luckily he's a nice guy, always teaching, if not i would have felt even stupid-er. who ask me to not know anything about it? hah. must learn from scratch. hey joce, thank God that you got the chance to play! =) auntie vincy has been very very nice about the internship too, way too nice already.
met dear dora yesterday. =)=)=)
after that had voice. man, how can Peter be SO good? argh, i just can't express myself, and what's singing without expression? i admit i was super conscious over myself and was very nervous. haha. another side of me, i dont have confidence. =( it can be scary why i am so scared. stupid right? yeah. and chinese songs are all about loving but not being able to have it -- broken-hearted -- yeah, i dont know how it feel. haha. and i dont want to try. i shall just try singing it out anyway, but not experiencing it. =)=) all the vocal expressions, the moaning sound, airy sound etc. argh!!! i just don't get it. but it's ok, he asked me to explore at home. haha. but it was a good come-back after 1/2 year anw. =)=)
talked to lou at night, and as usual, conversation can't get shorter than 1 hour, but yesterday we crossed the line of 2 hours! crazy, that's the result of missing out too much info from about aug? haha. but still, love ya loads dear. =)
Lord, why can't everything be stable? i know i am at a much greater advantage than many people in terms of conditions and surroundings, but at least i see them trying and i am not. and i am sick and tired of myself 'repenting' everytime. it just make me disgust myself even more. i have to love myself. i have to love myself. i have to love myself.
what's the point of gaining everything if you lose your own soul?
my face is peeling, and it's burning, thanks to Retin-A. Mom say i put too much. haha. remember last time i dont even apply the medicine after i go to the doctor, and now i'm putting too much. see how different I am? =)
2 days ago the share broker came and explained everything to me. luckily he's a nice guy, always teaching, if not i would have felt even stupid-er. who ask me to not know anything about it? hah. must learn from scratch. hey joce, thank God that you got the chance to play! =) auntie vincy has been very very nice about the internship too, way too nice already.
met dear dora yesterday. =)=)=)
after that had voice. man, how can Peter be SO good? argh, i just can't express myself, and what's singing without expression? i admit i was super conscious over myself and was very nervous. haha. another side of me, i dont have confidence. =( it can be scary why i am so scared. stupid right? yeah. and chinese songs are all about loving but not being able to have it -- broken-hearted -- yeah, i dont know how it feel. haha. and i dont want to try. i shall just try singing it out anyway, but not experiencing it. =)=) all the vocal expressions, the moaning sound, airy sound etc. argh!!! i just don't get it. but it's ok, he asked me to explore at home. haha. but it was a good come-back after 1/2 year anw. =)=)
talked to lou at night, and as usual, conversation can't get shorter than 1 hour, but yesterday we crossed the line of 2 hours! crazy, that's the result of missing out too much info from about aug? haha. but still, love ya loads dear. =)
Lord, why can't everything be stable? i know i am at a much greater advantage than many people in terms of conditions and surroundings, but at least i see them trying and i am not. and i am sick and tired of myself 'repenting' everytime. it just make me disgust myself even more. i have to love myself. i have to love myself. i have to love myself.
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