Can everything be simple?

I hate myself being this way. But then again, God loves me. Constantly having battles against my inner self, torture is the word to describe.

Life has been a living hell for the past 2 months.

There are indeed things to thank God for, of course - people around me, loving & caring for me, especially in Medan; the chance to learn things; God; material blessings (another thing to not fret for); family; and simply the gift of life. Actually, that is enough rite? =)

Yeah, I think so. But I can't deny a fact - I am INDECISIVE. And I hate that. Universtiy option has been one thing in my mind. Sometimes I question why do I have to choose, why do I want to know Your will, why are things so complicated, WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH. But then again, this is Your will for me and I thank You for the chance to even choose. God, please, don't take away this 'right' away from me. And don't take away that 'want' to know Your will away from me. I thank You for that.

Look at me. Even over here, I am already having a battle in my mind. Sigh.

Sometimes I will be so over-whelmed by the complexity of every single thing on earth, that I become confused. Top phrase on my 'Most Spoken' List would be I don't know. Walking around confused, I rather don't walk around, rather don't GOSTW. And before anything happens, I realised I've wasted 2 months of my time. Made me dislike myself even more. Die, I'm rumminating!! sheesh.

Why is life so complex? Why is God so complex? The Holy SPirit is here to give us understanding and to make things simple, but the Holy Spirit Himself is complex?! Arghh!!! I can just continue walking, hoping to get closer to God, who is the only one who can answer my questions, when I decide to ask Him.

University Options - killing me. Singapore or US - I don't know. If I stay, which uni in Singapore, I don't know too. At first, when I got the US offer, I was more excited than anything else, went around looking for opinions and information, which ocnfused me. Telling myself that in the end, it's about God, which it really is, I prayed and fasted over it, asked God again and again for signs. In the end, I am STILL confused. It comes to the point information and knowledge doesn't matter anymore, one word, You know I will follow. But then again, what if God has ALREADY shown me the sign, has ALREADY spoken to me and I missed it? Knowing that I will know in the end what God's will is, I think I'm already so confused that even if I start to know, I will start to question is God speaking to me, that I think again. <- this is how confused I am. How then would I know in the end? Don't ask me, I DON'T KNOW.

Just pray that I will know ok?

Staying is good - church, family, friends, comfort zone. It is bad - dependent, immature as I can be.

Going is good - experience, exposure, independent. It is bad - not as good a church, no family, friends, comfort zone.

Muahaha. I don't know. Sigh.. Help, God, help.

I realised recently that I am an escapist. very bad. Anything that I don't want to do or to be in, I'll find my way to escape. Most of the time I can. But this is bad, it has or is becoming a habit. And really, almost all the time I can find ways to escape. Is going to US a way of escaping? Maybe. I don't know. Is staying an escape too? Maybe too. I don't know either. See, so what do I know? Well, that God is faithful.

ARGH!!!!!! I hate myself being this way...