hate this.

man, i really really hate this fake life. just trying to make everything seem alright when that thing is not alright. well, though i know that when that thing's not right, everything wont be. but argh, why? i want to make it right, have been wanting for so long, but i never get down to getting it right. argh, God, why is it like that? i really don want to lead this life with dry spiritual routines and duty but i want to do this because i love You. God, can I? arh! Devil! stop procrastinating in me! well, finally i sort of started doing it in my room just now, felt so super bad to Him. but yea, i wont deny that it's always because of my laziness. i know i dont need to be fake in front of Him, cos He's my big daddy up there right. feel so fake. been so fake. when can i end this fake life? i know the answer-- but how am I going to do it? God, i want to, you know that, but am i willing to? i want to, but will i do it? argh!!! i cant discipline myself! argh!! God, You really got to work in me for this, and help me!!

piano exam is coming. it dawned on me today when i was talking to mingtse about it. it's 2 weeks away!! ok, though it's only grade 5, but i only started piano like 4 yrs ago and i stopped for 2 1/2 years. and last yr when i started again was like O level so didnt do anything much. and i was so lazy. never practise at all. once again due to bad self discipline. VERY BAD! ok, today i felt so bad that i went home and practised for 1 1/2 hours, but is it too late? i know that even if it's too late, it's better than not practising, but still, God, i want to pass this exam. looking at my standard now, i'll fail for sure- my fingers are super not stable. GOd, how? You must help to keep me focus and be able to concentrate in everything that I do.


-------ONLY FOR THE LORD----------
Dear Lord Jesus, I thank You so much for giving me this precious life that I should never waste every single day. Lord, I just pray that your presence will be so vivid in my life, that i cant live one day without your presence. lord, i just pray that you'll be able to help me fulfil this burden in my heart, to find back the first love. lord, i really really want to do that, and i want to stop this dry religious duty and routine and want to get back to when i first start loving you, worshipping you and serving you just for the sake of you only, cos i love you. lord, i pray that i will have a breakthrough in my spiritual life. lord, i know that you know what i'm thinking and i believe that lord, you'll help me along. lord, i pray that that you'll just pour your mercy and grace upon me so that i can continue this life to be a blessing to the people around me, and i pray you'll give me the unconditional love so that i can love the people around me, for i know that you love them. lord, i pray that you'll help me to remain focus and be able to concentrate in everything i do so that i can get back on the right track with you again. lord, i want to lead this life as a worship to you. i want to just lie flat on the ground, humble myself down and kiss your feet. i give you all i am in exchange of all of you. can you pls kindly tell me what you want me to do for you that can please you? i really want to stop living this kind of life and i know that you know how horrible and bad i'm feeling right now. lord, this life is really yours to use and work through. lord, i thank you for listening to my prayers and i believe that i am going to be changed after today. thank you lord. in jesus mighty name i pray, amen.
---------END---------------------------------



I GIVE

Come and fill me Holy Spirit
I seek the warmth of Your embrace
Lord I'm longing for Your presence
Just one touch of Your grace
I'll keep on waiting, waiting on You

All my life I've searched for heaven
My heart it longs for so much more
A love so true, now I've found it in You
I'll keep on waiting, waiting on You

Lord I give my life
A living sacrifice I place at Your feet
I offer to You
For only You can satisfy my longing
Jesus You're all I desire

Lord I give my life
A living sacrifice I place at Your feet
More than what this world offers
You are my only treasure
My world means nothing without You

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