Thank You

God, You spoke. Today. Again. And I thank You more than anything else for that. Like what I told Lou and Chris, one thing that I can't let go is really my relationship with You. Even if all else dies off, one thing that I won't let go, or rather, I won't let myself let go, is You.

Lord, I know I am stubborn. Somehow, I yearn and yearn and the desire doesn't get me anywhere. Probably I am way too comfy at where I am. I need to MOVE! move on, progress. come on, Joce. Argh. I thank You for speaking, but thank You even more for the promise. Promise that You will make me like Simon Peter, from one who's as unstable as lalang to a rock. And I choose to believe in it. Cos it doesn't feel good being a lalang. bleagh..

FIRST LOVE; PASSION; FIRE; HUNGER; THIRST. GOD!!!

Reading Jingxuan's blog on nostalgia. People leaving. Yesh, what she said was true. Too many people left; too many restructuring; too many changes; tooo many..... That brought me to thinking, people move on. From one level to another, Jingxuan from UM ministry which she held so dear to CG ministry; Hil in US who is studying sooo hard; Pris in China who starts to miss a strong local church; and many many more. I guess this is simply part of life. For me, I have to move on too, can't be so childish and immature.

I am still, longing for myself to shine so brightly for You. And I chose to stand on the promise You made, on the vision You gave. The assurances You give again and again, the faith and peace, and most of all, the burden You placed in me hurts. Oh, how I long for it to come to pass, but like what You said, I need to make room, and let go. Let go, not of other things, but letting go of myself. I cry. Cry at the thought that You have so much in store for me, and You're there, looking, waiting for me to come. But somehow, I am still like a rubber band, stretching towards and away.

It has been with me for sooo long. And now I am starting to detest it. Sometimes I detest myself - but then again, I know You love me for who I am. As much as I tell people to love himself, I am learning too. Still praying that the spirit of self condemnation can get out. Rawr. Can't stand it..

Oh well, come to think of it, God, thank You for Your love. I am still praying, still trying, to throw everything away and follow You, even giving myself unto You. Time, effort, will, thoughts, words, EVERYTHING. simply for You. And thank You for always being there.

let the music in your heart sound.