Just thinking...

These 2 days we had our Emerge Conference. It has been GOOD.

Ok, pardon me. I thought that Emerge every year is just like that - hype, excitement, fun - surfaces. Yes, we do feel the presence of God, get revelation, etc. But year by year it seems that after a few months, the fire dies off. Maybe due to the lack of 'emphasis' of these slower stuff.

That brings me to the next point. In church, sometimes we really take worship, praying, paise, etc as the basic, that we leave it to Bible Study and cell groups. During service, we preach about 'BIG' topics instead - Sermon On The Mount, Cultural Mandate etc. Sometimes I don't understand how the new believers, those who are yet to join cell groups and start Bible Study are going to grow spiritually. I guess that's where discipleship comes in. That every single member has to be committed in discipleship, both in being discipled and discipling. That when Sunday comes, it is the bigger picture, where the sight of the whole church unite, everyone moving on from one place to another. It is TOUGH for the new believers, but we are supposed to stand as strong as possible for them, and not wait for them to approach us, but we go forth and get interested in their lives.



But anyway, this year Emerge was very different. You see Pst. Kong preach about Shamgar the first session - how there were only 2 verses about him and yet managed to single-handedly kill 600 Philistines. Simply because he had a powerful prayer life, was audacious, went for the anointing, was willing, and had persistence. How simple is that? How basic is that? Have we forgotten that despite the Higher Calling into the marketplace, we can never excel if we don't have these attitudes? Even when we seem to know these, it's no use knowing and YET not having it. No use having it and YET not living a life of it. Night was about brokenness - how Jacob met God, wrestled with Him, refused to let go, till God touched, and he broke on the inside, walked with a limp the rest of his life. Broken, God, can I be one for you?

Today as I was worshipping God, I was thinking. Touch. Encounter. Experience. Experience is just a one-time thing. Oh, I experienced something special - so what? Touch - much better and closer than experience. But then again, touch is one way right? When God touches you, held you. The love and mecy flows out from Him, it's stil up to you to capture it, to let it linger behind to change your life, or not. It is really encounter that I am looking for. Encounter is the moment when you meet someone, not physically, but when spirit joins with spirit. It is truly when two hearts come together open as one, a two-way dialogue.

This year Emerge, Lord I pray will not just be a GOOD experience, nor will it just be a touch from You. Lord, I want an encounter, I want a wrestle, and I want to be broken. When I look back, I realised that I've been living such a life in the flesh, everything seems to be fine, or IS fine, but where is my spiritual sensitivity? Where is my spiritual discernment and the wait upon the Lord. How long has it been since I last prayed? Had I been too comfortable with my life, there being no stressor AT ALL, that I forgot to look for Him for strength? Because it is EASY to walk when things are EASY - actually that doesnt mean you dont need God, joce. There is a spectrum in life, always. Take well-being for example. BAD ---- FINE ---- GOOD. All these while my life has been fine, or GOOD. But is there something better?? Now I finally understand what Pastor meant when he said, 'do something more meaningful with you life'. More than what Chris refers to as GOSTW, it is not just hanging out with frens, having fun, passing time. Time, energy, anointing is all you need to find a need and meet it, find a hurt and heal it. Joce, do you know you can be giving so much more Bible Study classes, talking to your members on the phone, discipling them - all for the glory of God?? Only if you are willing and hungry.

God, You have come to me again and again, telling me 'no eyes have seen, no ears have heard, what I will do through you and for you, ONLY IF you give Me all of you. You know very well yourself what's in your heart, all I ask of you, is you.' At that point, I cry, repent, etc. As time passes by, I get back to my old self. God, I am sick and tired of me being so comfortable that I am passive, have no sense of urgency for Your kingdom, can You please help? Sick, joce, sick. No one to talk to about this, since no one understands me in this area at all. No one understands the big picture I am looking at. Stop living in self deceit and self denial.

Now I understand why uncle john said that your psychological maturity will affect your spiritual life. Struggling all the while with instability or rather inconsistency, as Dora put it, has not been helping AT ALL. God, if You can change Simon, who's as unstable as lalang into Peter, a solid rock, definitely You are the only one who can help me too!!

Sometimes I wonder. If people want to do so many things in the Lord and for the Lord, and run wild in their own minds, which will happen. I mean God seldom speaks audibly, and His prompting is as soft or even softer than our 'voice' that people often mistaken them together. What if these people don't come back, don't pull back and don't soften down again. What if they slip away? Won't God be so sad? I mean in the first place these ppl dream BIG dreams because they want to do it for God, so desperate for more of God, and yet are not fulfilled, get disappointed, and backslide, doesn't it mean that they already have the potential in the first place? Not as if they've been a smooth-sailing Christian all these while who believed in Jesus because they are afraid to go to Hell.

God, I need revelation, I need fresh anointing, I need a clear mind. Enough being the 'I don't know' girl. It's really NOT FUN. It doesn't fulfil my spirit at all. God, a heart, so pure, one that's after You...