Pure Heart

A PURE HEART, THAT'S WHAT I LONG FOR
A HEART THAT FOLLOWS HARD AFTER THEE

A HEART THAT HIDES YOUR WORD
SO THAT SIN WILL NOT COME IN
A HEART THAT'S UNDIVIDED
BUT ONE YOU RULE AND REIGN
A HEART THAT BEATS COMPASSION
THAT PLEASES YOU MY LORD
A SWEET AROMA OF WORSHIP
THAT RISES TO YOUR THRONE



God, many times I think, what do You want from me. Do You want my love, effort, time or life? But soon I realised that all that come in a package. When I have a pure heart, a heart that is after You, it will all be natural. It is the same as the 10 commandments. When it gets to the point it doesn't need to be enforced in me, to keep to them, but it's simply natural, and imprinted in my heart. Similarly, as long as I have a heart pure to follow after You, all that becomes natural. It doesn't need to be with painstaking effort, the point when fellowship and communion with You is a desire and no longer a discipline. God, that is what I really want.

I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I have passed the point of repentance, and I can't get close to You anymore. Lord, I don't want to be so hardened that I don't sense You anymore. I want more, there must be something more than just this.

Holy discontent. God has put in every single one of us this element of being unsatisfied with the world around us. Just like Mother Teresa who was frustrated and saddened when she sees young orphans on the streets starving, she started to take them in and care for them. Most of the time, it is tightly connected to the calling of God in our lives. I do have a 'holy discontent' too. I am not contented with the way society has shaped people's thinking. Call it depression or whatsoever, but I think anorexia, bitter and angst are simply a few ways youth nowadays express their emotions being cooped inside themselves.

I just did the most careless thing in life. I have overlooked the Freshman Guide from NUS and missed out on a lot of things. Firstly, the AP credit application. It's closed this Friday. Secondly, I didn't submit the Matriculation Card Form, when the due date was 4 Jun 2007. They stated, 'Students who did not return Form A by the deadline will be regarded as turning down the offer'. Thirdly, I don't know if the MOE Tuition Grant application has closed, or not yet open, but I can't apply. Sheeesh. While everything in Emory is done properly, my NUS application is like crap. Can you imagine, if they are strict about this, I will need to take modules which I can actually be exempted from, like Economics; I won't be able to enter any university in Singapore, or I have to pay the full amount of 25K, while I can actually save 19K and pay only 6K. Goodness, Joce, what's on your mind??

Seriously, I WANT to go US. But somehow I feel that I might be better off in Singapore. Especially my spiritual life. If with such strong spiritual support over here my spiritual life is already relatively unstable, I so can't imagine what it'll become over there. But somehow, the thought of a life there really perks me up. I'm excited, and can't wait to lead a different life. My flesh wants to go, but I think I'll be better here. Especially when I'm in the presence of God, the thought is always, I don't care about anything else, I just want this. But when I'm out of it, my flesh still wants to go. I need one of the 2 things - 1. someone to assure me I can find strong spiritual support in Atlanta. I just need a good support, not asking for a fantastic church. 2. someone to scold me and convince me that I should let go of the 'fun' I perceive to have over there. Maybe I will call Prince Charming one of these days. Ha!!

I'm like soooo fat now. Auntie said, yeah la girl. Your butt so big now. HAIZ. Everyday I step onto the weighing machine and I thought, I should bang the wall, go for liposuction, or continue eating and just don't care. Since already so fat, then just eat and get fatter lo. Ok, I'm actually thinking of skipping dinner everyday for maybe 1 month, going yoga, golf and swimming. Argh, I just can't stand it anymore. I need the discipline, motivation and determination. ARGHHH!!!! To quote steph, the butt is obviously bigger. the hips is widers. the thigh .. oh god enough said. the face get rounder. yucks. Your club is 'how to lose 3kg in 10 days' right, I don't mind 'losing 10kg in 3months'. ARGHHHH. Stevi, maybe I'll go Korea to find you and go some slimming stuff. Haha. I'm kidding about liposuction, or plastic surgery all that, but I seriously need to do something about my weight. I hate the way my thighs and butt is sticking to the pants, or the wobble I feel everytime I walk, or the extra flap when I lift up my hands. Argh.