just... thoughts.

"Lord, I still want to go. Look at the life there. It seems so different. Life here is like bleaghh.. so boring. everyday things are just like that, not much challenges. Who says I can't serve you there? I'll still love You for who You are, and with who I am. But Lord, I do admit that all these doesn't matter. I just want You to speak to me. I'm sick and tired of myself being so fickle minded already. Today is the day I will hear from You, for I won't let go till You speak, and tomorrow I will do something about it."

"Do you realise that none of the points you listed above carry My name? Where's Me in your life? Is it just to serve? What's the point of being able to serve if something else is not right? Life here seems mundane, because you caused it to be. What your life here is like depends on your actions and decision."

"I want Your peace to be with me as I decide. And I've been doing everything according to my mood. I eat, dress, talk, potray facial expression etc according to my mood. And I can't control my mood. So what've been controlling my life so far? Is it You? Or something else? THings that seem like responsibility? or activities? Lord, I don't know. Please teach me how to lift my emotions and moods into Your hands, for I do not want it to define who I am."

These few weeks have been torturous, especially when people ask me "so have you decided?" I will try my best to give the politically correct answer, and say which side I'm prone to choosing, or something to cover up or escape from the answer - that I am fickle and have yet to decide after sooo long. But these few weeks, I really grew sick and tired of trying to avoid, cover up, escape or being oblivious to reality - by not choosing. Some people said, not making a choice is a choice in itself. THough well aware that it doesn't apply in this context, I stubbornly tell that to myself. Sheesh. But I know deep inside that there's no peace, and I'm slowly dying because many other feelings come into play.

I feel so angry, frustrated and irritated with myself I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I'm doing and once again, I became the 'don't know' girl. TO the point sometimes I wonder why must I know God's will? Why can't I just put spiritual life as the low priority since that's between me and God? It doesn't mean that I'll fall away. Some people say it'll be a test of your relationship with God. Yes, that's true. If I succeed, praise the Lord, I grow stronger. If I fail, then I don't know. Probably I'll struggle and dry up. Is it then worth the risk? High risk, high returns, that's true. I look at those who can go and pursue what they want to, and envy them. These people either don't know God or don't know Him that well, and think that God is just God, doesn't matter where you are. Then why am I so troubled because I love God so much I don't wanna settle for something less, while being troubled should not even come from the Lord? Is there then something wrong with me? Cos obviously there's nothing wrong with God.

This week's sermon for cell and service has left me in deep yearning and thoughts for more of the K.O.G. That I am not satisfied where I am, and I know that neither is He satisfied where I am. So I settled down today and prayed.

I realised our value in God. When I buy something, I'll see how much I'm willing to pay for that thing and if that is worth it. I am sure that is how a proper deal is made. So similarly, our value in God is equal to the value of Jesus in God. If God values us only one cent less than Jesus, the deal would be called off since it's no longer worth it. Can you imagine, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac, he was in such burden and pain before he finally agreed. In comparison, God also did the same thing, only with Jesus, the Son of God. How even more painful is that? THe thing is that Abraham did so only because God asked him to, and it grew out of the love for God. But God did so voluntarily, that He was willingly exchanged His Son for hmm.. us?! Comparing Abraham and God, can we then compare the target audience being God and us? How different is that?! I then see how valuable I am in the eyes of God..

FOr those of you who are still not convinced that Jesus died for us individually, that the value of Jesus is not equal to the collective corporate value of mankind, look at this. In Mark 5:1, it says that Jesus was so tired He was already sleeping, and after calming a storm, he reached Gadarenes. Once He reached there, He met an oppressed man and delivered him from Legion, the spirits. If the man was alive presently, he would be locked up in mental hospital, deemed useless to society. In v21, Jesus crossed over again back to where He came from. This means that after such a tiring day, His mission of going to Gadarenes was to deliver THAT man. If He was willing to do that for the 'crazy' man, what more to us?

Seriously, I am rather overwhelmed by God's goodness right now. That I know I have to choose the BEST option God has for me, and not only avoiding what is not right. SOmetimes, things might seem ok, nothing wrong with that, but is that what God has called you to do? Is that what is BEST for you from God? =)